not set
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2002-09-16 04:02:27 (UTC)

I m getting tired again. I feel..

I'm getting tired again. I feel myself sleeping longer,
wanting naps. Getting drowsy too soon after I wake up. I
slept for 8 hours last night, close to eleven the night
before. I've been awake for 11 hours. I've been yawning
for four of them. I don't want this. I don't want to go
back to that place. I want to get the good grades, drop
the weight, win the survivor challenge. I want to be me.
I don't want to be a zombie. An empty, barely aware THING
that goes through the motions but doesn't really get
anything done. I hated it. I couldn't get out of it last
time. I don't want it to come back. What can I do? I'm
in counseling... it doesn't feel like it helps at all.
Working out makes the pain and fatigue go away temporarily,
but I can't work out 24 hours a day. I've got so much
homework to do. I'm so stressed. I would love to go to
Pokagon, but I missed the sign-up deadline by about two
weeks and I'm working until 10 Friday night. I could
always call in sick at work and leave at one. I think Mom
would be happier about that. It all depends on whether Jan
lets me go. Ugh. I feel powerless in every aspect of my
life. I don't want to be depressed again. More than
anything I don't want that. I can't call or write to Dan.
He doesn't want to hear it. I'm so much more willing to
see him as he really is right now - I've stopped idealizing
him. I miss the friendship that we used to have. All we
do is fight anymore. I don't know what to do. That's
seems to be my theme song.


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