erin

daddy's little defect
2002-09-16 03:42:20 (UTC)

stepping out of the pond in new jersey.......

...its sad, that life never goes as planned you know? when
i was little i had everything all planned out..get married,
have 4 kids(2 girls and 2 boys) live in a house with a
white picket fence, and be happy forever...its actually
laughbale how nieve we are when we are kids. i wish i was
happy..forreal, its all an act. i put on this like, i dont
know, happy mask so that everyone thinks im fine..in
reality im breaking down. i have been crying for the past
15 years...its sad bc im 17 so my whole life has been
drained pretty much so far. i have been cutting myself for
10 years now...i cant even notice when i do it anymore. i
was balled up in my corner of my room for like the last 3
hours, i turned off all the lights and realized what a joke
i am. i have been in denial forever...as i was sitting
there, in my room, i realized.."if i died right now, who
would actually care?" only 2 ppl came to mind...2 fucking
ppl!! my mom and grandma. thats pathetic. so anyways i was
like ok.."im the laughing stock of all my friends, my dad
gave up on me, im a failure in school...in life in
general." i was sitting there with my razor and i was
thinking..my blood trickiling down my arms and legs are my
way of crying. normal ppl cry tears...i cry blood. haha
normal ppl. what is normal anymore? im a fucking fortune
cookie. what the fuck! i have so much on my mind right now.
i cant stop bleeding..or crying for that matter. i walked
to the corner of my street a while ago and sat in the
street. my friend was killed there last year. i should have
been thinking "what a tragety for a 14 yearold to die like
this." instead i said aloud "danny got off easy..." i dont
know about myself anymore. confusion confusion..i look at
myself now and i see a fucking mess...not just bc of my
being like 4000 pounds or my 8 chins, but for what i have
become. im not feeling sorry for myself...im laughing at my
stupidness. how could anyone let their life become such
mayhem? what the fuck is wrong with me? i have tried help
b4...i feel like everyone else can be helped but me...fuck
it.




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