so i haven't felt this way in awhiles. and it is quite
annoying. at some point during the day, a huge gaping ache
in my chest arose and it has yet to go away. i wrote in my
journal earlier, that this physical feeling of
anxiety/sadness has not been in my chest for a very long
time, and if anything, makes me conscious of how happy i
have been as of late.
i tried to figure out why i feel this way to no avail. the
only disheartening thing that happened today was a email
from iris being mad at me. i don't think that soley would
prompt this feeling though. what am i thinking about?
what's in there? this feeling, i got it alot last
semester. thinking about all the shit i had to do and being
scared i couldn't do it. but i always know i end up doing
what i need to in the end. could it be school that brings
on this stress?
i had seven shots of espresso today and not a good sleep. i
got home this afternoon and physically felt the caffeine
losing its oomph. i laid down on the couch and let it
happen. decided not to pump more espresso shots in me. i
looked at the mound of readings that need to be read and i
was just too tired to even think about it. that was around
the time i started to stress.
last semester, i did alot of thinking. thinking and reading
and writing and totally dedicating myself to school. the
consequences of which were constant stress, constant re-
evaluation, constant thinking thinking thinking. i could
not even relax enough to watch a movie. i remember getting
stoned with Julie on our friday nights and in the back (and
front) of my brain i just kept thinking thinking of all i
SHOULD be doing right now. how dare i give my head a rest.
i just couldnt.
i took those classes so seriously, that every time i went
to them, did the readings, wrote responces, papers, my
world turned upside down, over and over. the reality of
language, the reality of the universe, (or lack therof)
overwhelming me in new ways every day.
i came to the decision at the end that it is all well and
good to question and question, but it is HERE that we live.
those days, and today, it is only when i laugh that the
ache in the chest goes away. just for a few seconds. when
i just pulled into the driveway, there was a car partially
blocking it, making it less than easy for me to pull in.
julie and i ripped out a piece of paper and
wrote 'DICKKNOT" in big letters, and put it under the
windsheild wipers of the car. i laughed, that was good.
the glass of wine at the dinner table with julie helped for
a little while, for a little while i was buzzed, and with
my friend, and laughing, fucking around, talking. then it
we saw one hour photo, which distressed me, although it was
a visually beautiful movie. distressed me in a good way i
guess, if you consider making you think good. which i
usually do. sometimes i wish i didn't . think so much. in
the movie at first i thought "that's gonna be me" robin
williams living alone, working at a one hour photo(some
menial job i manage to infuse meaning and dedication to)
living alone, weird, the woman with cats, the wife with
the beautiful child and cheating husband. which will it
be. my most morbid thought during the movie : "well
everyones life sucks, what;s the difference in how you live
it, the decisions you make. no one is happy."
i know i don't belive that. i know that goes against my
personal philosophy. but what do i know, my personal
philosophy changes every time i blink my eyes.
is that even true?
i was thinking the other day about something i believe is
that, your personality and your self, when you were young
is who you truly are.
when i was young i skipped around, singing and laughing and
being dramatic and talking to everyone. i got sad and
pensive at times. i was grateful for everything. i put on
plays. i wrote songs. i made elaborate speeches. i created
worlds with my friends that were my favorite places to be.
Barbie worlds, imaginary worlds. me and cathy in the
basement for hours on end pretending to be Kate and Allie.
me and lori in her shed, for hours on end creating steamy
barbie soap operas/ making books. reading .
and i was never, ever popular with the boys. i always had
much skinnier, much prettier, more agreeable friends.
i never , ever understood the girls that cared more about
boys than their friends. older years i never understood the
girls that vanished off the face of the earth when
i think that perhaps, what i did in my head, when iris sent
that email, was immediately feel guilty about spending time
with chris. i can;t tell the difference between my
compulsion to search for things that are WRONG (as must be
done in my head when it comes to guys), or if i really feel
or if i want everything to be in beautiful equlibrium and i
feel stressed when it is not. i want to be happy and
confidant and not a lunatic untrusting GIRL. i want my
friends to love me. i want iris to not be angry with me. i
want to be friends with lefty again. i want all things
resolved now and forever with past boys. i want my family
to be somewhat happy and normal. my parents marriage to
miraculously heal itself. my future to have some kind of
promise, i want to know everyting, all i can, i want to
help anyone in any way that i can., i want to be good. i
want people to think i am good. i want to not care what
other people think. i want to not be afraid to write. i
want to not be afraid of the solitude of writing. i want to
remember that i like the solitude. i want to learn to
strike a healthy balance. i want to read about 100 books,
all right now, and have infinte time to ponder over them,
because if i did, maybe i would be able to figure something
i want to try and not be an uptight curled up little ball.
i always forget that this makes me feel better . writing.
that this is what makes the aching hole shrink up. i forget
this is what started it all. funny how the obvious things
get fuzzy anyway, no matter what you do, precautions you
anyway i was saying, about the you are who you were when
you were a child train of thought.
i remember kevin saying once, when i was all depressed one
day "what the hell has been going on, you haven't been your
usual chipper self."
and the dentist last week saying "you aren;t your jolly
and ian and julie the other night both noticing "i'm not my
(happy/bouncy/whatever word) self
and this kinda stuff makes me feel maybe i am jolly and
happy and carefree most of the time, just that sometimes i
am not, and when i'm not im REALLY not, and i forget about
that chipper self. and i just don't WANT to socialize, i
dont CARE to meet any new people. and sometimes i feel
like i could talk to anyone in the world, anyone sitting in
front of me. and it's all up in the air which sara i will
im a gemini right. so that makes sense. the twins.
something i really liked in that cloud of unknowing book
was the way he talked about time. modern physicists should
read these ancient texts so that they can see all they
are "discovering" has all been done before. this clound of
unknowing guy convinced me there really is a smallest unit
of time in 2 sentences, which an entire semester of physics
could not do.
he said that in the end, we will be asked what we have done
with the time we were given.
our time, our units of time, are a gift.
what we have done with the time we were given.
those one liners do the job for me. makes life much more
simple, much more beautiful, and with just a few words.
writing this i feel so differently. in the begining there
was a constant noise, clamor, in my head that i only notice
now, because now it is quiet up there, and now i can hear
the hum of the computer and now i can hear the keys being
pressed down by my fingers and now i can hear my mother
snoring on the couch and i notice my chest rising and
falling and the rim of my glasses and the blinking green
light to the left of the screen.
and i can feel my eyes wanting to close.