Beyeza's mental musings
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2001-07-23 06:00:23 (UTC)

7/23/01 12:14am - Money, men, mess

Well, Bryan and I had our discussion on money. Over this
past weekend Bryan has leaned on me for money twice too
often. On Friday, Toni dropped by suddenly wanting to go
to breakfast and first off, I should have said "No" to the
whole thing because Bryan didn't have any money for it.
But instead, I said Yes meaning that I would treat and I
did and I forgot about it. Fine. But what did it was that
we went to the movie theatre on Saturday and I'm fine with
paying my own way - it was a matinee film - but then Bryan
tells me that he doesn't have any money which puts me in
the fucked up position of also needing to pay for him too,
something I did not plan on at all and it really pissed me
off. At the end of 'Baby Boy', I tell him that he needs to
pay me back. He looks at me crazy and says, 'What you
didn't think I was?' And in my heart, I was thinking that
no I didn't think he was going to pay me back at all. He
would have checked to see if I was going to let him get
away with it and if I didn't say anything he would have
gotten away with it. He calls me up today to talk about
the whole situation and I break it down how I feel about
money, self-sufficiency, and financial independence. Back
to the movies. He says that he told me that he was going
to the Cash Station. But my thing is, why didn't you tell
me to get out of the line? Why didn't you SPEAK UP! Why
didn't you pay me back immediately while we were sitting in
the theatre for four hours!!

What needs to be taken into consideration is that there
were several times during the course of our regular
relationship where I felt taken for my money. I didn't
feel that I could depend on him and I still don't now.
Especially not after all that has happened recently. I've
noticed with Charles that he handles his own business and
probably won't ask me for help unless he desperately needs
it. I am the exact same way. I don't want to be a burden
to anyone. Also in situations where I didn't have the
money, Charles was my friend and took care of it for me and
I immediately paid it back. It was always a 50-50 split
with most everything and knowing thing I am more apt to
help him out financially if he ever needed it. Same thing
with Jamal. Jamal, I would trust with my absolute life. I
would never have a problem handing over money to him
(especially when I know he needs it) because Jamal has
always been able to handle his financial business from the
time I have known him.

I think I built up this wall around myself because Vicki
was always asking me to loan her some money to buy some
bullshit stuff like clothes or shoes or whatever and just
expected me to give it to her. I usually said no because
asking for money for clothes is a bullshit reason to ask
someone else to give their money to you. As my Mom and
sister termed it, I guess I have always been stingy or
whatever. But I am never asking people for their help
either. I have always been into being self-sufficient.
People expect others to be on time, well, I expect people
to be financially self-sufficient. Money can break up a
friendship unless you decide to forgive the debt. But my
question is, why would the person who owes the debt not pay
it back? Where is the honor on their part? And there it
goes. It is ultimately about honor and integrity. I
expect people to have integrity when it comes to money, but
if I see that you are broke all of the time, needing me to
cover you most of the time, I won't feel the integrity when
it comes to money. My mind probably works just like the
lending bank does. They won't loan out their money to a
person who can't handle the money they have already. Well,
I'm the exact same way.

I don't think I am materialistic or anything, but it is
nice to deal with people who can take care of themselves.
I am used to taking care of myself and I don't like being
around people with the potential of being part-time
leeches. They suck the compassion out of you. ESPECIALLY
WITH A MAN!! For example, James Swift was playfully asking
Toni if she would buy him a piece a cake. And I'm
thinking, why the fuck are you asking a woman - I don't
care if you're joking - to buy you anything?? That is NOT
the way it is supposed to work.

Well, I'm being taken with the movie, "The Wood", I have my
money back from Bryan so from writing this, the anger is
leaving me.