csadler

random mumblings
2002-09-13 00:39:10 (UTC)

today is the greatest day i've ever known

you know billy wrote that song after he commited suicide.
i'm so depressed today. i skipped work, and sat around my
stinkhole of an apartment and did nothign except worry
about bumming money off my parents (i'm 24 years old now,
i shouldn't be bumming money...my dad owned a house at
24...ithink anyways) so i'd be able to pay rent next
year. i could never kill myself (worried that there's no
afterlife, or even worse there is afterlife but since i
killed myself i'd be in hell) but i'd definitely like to
press the reset button, so to speak. my life is so fucked
it's not even funny...and the thing that scares me is that
this is as good as it gets. wouldn't that be an ironic
twist...that i was at the top of the mountain and didn't
appreciate it. HA! i'm actualyl laughing out loud. you
know what else is funny...i'm downloading "galapogos" by
the pumpkins right now for inspiration for my "song of the
day" and the album is called "mellon collie and the
infinite sadness"...that pretty much paints my picture :(
it's such a lovely song. so i was at this website
tomrogan.net and i read how he stopped beating off for a
month and i thought, that can't be so hard...i lasted two
days. i feel like shit, i look like shit and i'm gonna
smell like shit this weekend if i don't do any laundry. I
JUST WANNA CRY FOR NO REASON, BUT NO TEARS WILL COME!!!1!
did that make any sense at all? i hate fucking
everything...i just want to run away and if i hear one
more fuckign person tell me that it could be worse, i'm
gonna give them a kick to the skull. okay no, because i'm
non-violent, but i'll do something. see i'm so fucking
indecisive...and hungry haven't had anything to eat all
day...i don't think. i'm in this fucking daze and i want
to snap out, but i can't. FAUUUUCK! and do you know what
the worst thing is? i have no one to talk to.
uselessness, hopelessness and helplessness that pretty
much wraps me up. well writing this is depressing me even
worse than what i was...or boring me or whatever

l8nr