jenabean

Jena's Rants
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2001-07-23 00:29:40 (UTC)

Maybe we should have a talk....

Why is this weekend filled with so much confusion. Why am
I incapable of fully expressing myself? Love in this
relationship is making me a sissy. It is causing me to
lose my nerve and my edge. Maybe it isn't the love that is
causing me to act this way. Perhaps it is the excess of
emotion. Something I have attempted to rid myself of, at
least the expressing of too much of it. I dunno. IWIF
It Will Inevitably Fail. I hope not of course, but I don't
know if I was made to handle emotion this strong. It may
destroy me. I think I am destined to live alone and exist
it pure solitude. "Reminds me of wondering why my lovers
are all strung out, I am consumed with thrill of
solitary." Sorry I quoted Alannis, maybe I need a
spanking. Or maybe I have had one too many. See it starts
when you are young, this confusion. A spanking when you
are little is something you fear, then you get older and
you beg for them as your head hits the wall in the rhythmic
sort of way. Life is like that on a whole, you hate it -
you love it. My desires are too sick to discuss. I become
too enticed by the "what if"....
I am afraid to become too much of what I like with this
Hoppy character. The ones I could throw to the wayside
mattered not with these concerns. Boy it sucks to want to be
considered sweet and innocent by those you love, especially
when it is all a front. I have to hide behind this mask in
fear of the creature that lies beneath. How appropriate -
"lies" beneath. I scare myself. In fact, I scare
everyone who knows me well enough. Never mind that, no one
knows me that well, not even I.


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