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2002-09-12 04:44:46 (UTC)

Today. A year. It s been so..

Today. A year. It's been so trivial. I haven't learned a
single thing. Except depression sucks and not to get drunk
at parties. I put in a letter at Mancino's, hoping Monty
would take pity on me and let me come back. Now I'm hoping
that he has enough people or Mike tells him no. I want the
money, but I also want my down time. Selfish and un-
realistic of me, I suppose. I'm starting to remember all
of the reasons Dan and I fought so much. I'm a person who
likes to talk to friends, exchange emails, carry on
conversations. Dan's so fucking passive that it comes off
as not caring. I know I'm supposed to just "know" that he
cares, but that's not how I work. I need a bit of
reinforcement. Christ, I need a lot. I'm groping for
conversation topics to share with Dan. I can't tell him
that I'm scared to death of counseling. I can't tell him
that my mom comes homes everynight depressed and upset from
work, or that I'm worried about Jonny. I have to prove to
him how wrong he is to believe that I need him or want him
totally in my life. I have to show him that I'm strong.
Not a cry baby. Not that he'll ever notice the
difference. Not that he'd care if he did. I think Amanda
went back to dip-shit. I guess calling the cops on the guy
had no effect on her. I know something's up because she's
stopped calling me. That usually means that she doesn't
want to talk about something because she knows everyone
will tell her she's stupid. I usually hold my tongue, but
she stops calling at any rate. I joined Feminists for
Action tonight. They seem like a cool group, a good mix of
people. They hope to accomplish a lot, but no one really
wants to step up and be leader. They think it'll ruin the
strcuture of the group. I guess I understand that. I
don't want to go to counseling on Friday. It scares me. I
have to talk about all of the painful yucky stuff. I
haven't made a millimeter of progress on the assault.
Maybe I never will. Maybe it won't be until after I've
broken down and cried in front of the man. Lord knows.
But I'm sure I'll be there until it's resolved. Otherwise
I have the nightmares and depression. I still don't want
to cry. It's like this feeling that if I cry everything
will hurt ten times more. I know that's not healthy, but
I'm not ready to let go yet. I'm afraid if I cry it's an
admission that life sucks and hurts and I'll be sleeping
through the entire day again. I have to get through this
semester. If I can get through this semester maybe I'll be
okay. The thought of homecoming freaks me out though.
Maybe I'll get out of town. Who knows. Maybe I'll just
stay in and not party. Not that I do that anymore,
anyway. I'm finding it really hard to sit in silence
knowing that Dan's online, but I don't know what to say. I
miss Eric and Amanda and my life this time last year, but
lamenting it only makes it worse. I miss Jay and Carlton
and crawling into Emily's warm bed early in the morning and
talking and cuddling. I miss drinking homemade apple cider
while I watch Eliza put together one of her projects.
Mom's so upset when she comes home that I just want to
scream and run away. But I feel like I'd be abondoning her
if I did. God, I'm so confused about stuff right now. And
on top of it all I have to go downtown and pay $10 for a
criminal back groun check. *sigh* Why? So I can live in
this apartment. New policy... grr. I have so much
reading to do and studying to do before next week. I'll
have to spend all weekend doing it.