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2001-07-22 22:47:23 (UTC)

sadness part 1

This month has been about the worst of my life. I have
never been so sad in my life. My ex husband was
a younger and thinner girl, less than a year after our
divorce. We have a beautiful baby girl who is about to turn
3 years. I remember when I was married I was 8 months
pregnant with her, 3 days to plan it, all I wanted was to
share his name and make it easier for us finacialy. All
marrige was to me was a paper that said we shared the same
last name, we were already a family and in love and we felt
god already brought us together. I was on top of the world,
I was so happy. I sobbed at the wedding in the middle of
our vows I was so amazed that it WAS acually happening and
I was drunk with love and happiness. After the baby was
born things started to change. I was the only one who got
up with her in the middle of the night, I stayed home with
her due to the bills would be higher if I worked (daycare).
I was home all day long in a one bedroom apartment and had
no friends or family near where I lived. I always looked
forwrd to him comming conversation with my
love. But he would stay at work afterwards and drink a few
beers, drive home at 700pm, drink a few more and then be in
bed by 930. Not much of life with him. He smoked pot behind
my back, we agreed to stop partying when I found that I was
pregnant. He told me one day that he has a suprise drug
test at work and he was sure that it was positive. By
chance it was negitive, but then the soking pot increased
and he brougt a friend home with him one night...and smoked
pot in the tiny one bedroom apartment, no windows open and
my infant daughter was there. As was I. No respect..To his
family, no thinking involved. I was taking a shower one
night and my toddler daughter walked into the bathroom, my
husband chasing her walked in behind her and saw me naked,
he shuddered and looked away. My heart was breaking in two.
I felt my self becomming lower in emotions and was being
attracted to any man who made me feel pretty. I knew I
needed a time out from this. I had a sort of nrevous
breakdown and was taken to the hospital by my husband,
where he left me to fend alone when I needed him the most.
They wanted me to stay in the ward for a much
needed "rest". I declined and went hime where I was back in
misery of the man I loved and gave my all to didn't love
anymore. People ridicule me for the divorce, I
never stopped loving him and when I see him moving on it
confirms that he never cared about me. I have never been so
sad in my life..