Dick Doomsday

why do i always lose the ones i love?

while everyone is grieving for those lost in new york, i
grieve a loss here in california.

the only reason i write in this god damn thing is because i
dont have anyone close i can talk to. and this is my only
way of venting. but one day i'll explode.

jeremy died last night. he was in a car accident driving
down to see me. i have killed yet another friend. why is
everything my fault? i figure i should be used to this. and
in a sick sense i am.

is life worth living when everyone you love dies.

or better yet....how can you live knowing you killed
someone. let alone two?

it hurts so bad.

Mandy called me last night around 10. at that point he was
was in critical condition and the outlook was bad.

i wanted to be there. i wanted to see him. i at least
wanted to say goodbye and that i loved him. but i couldnt.
he was two hours away and i couldnt. all i could do was
cry. i even prayed. and i cried more.

mandy called back at 10:33. i remember it exactly. i knew
when i heard the phone ring that i didnt want to hear what
was going to be said. but i answered. she was crying and i
just cried. we cried together. and that was it. i just
cried all last night. and this morning.

and today i had to pretend to be ok. but i wasnt. one
teacher talked about 9-11 and i started to cry. one guy
asked if i was alright and i left the room. they dont need
an explanation.

but i sure as hell wish someone would explain to me why
everyone is dying.

i cant take this.

i dedicate this entry to all lost friends...so far:

Joseph-17
Raymond-18
Jeremy-20
Lance-16
Micheal-17
Ryan-23
Raul-19
Rebecca-17

and others who have a place in my heart:

William
Regina