it s all so weird. i think..
it's all so weird. i think about it all the time. other
girls get it worse. they have a reason to complain. to
cry. to be zoned out for days. to have horrific
nightmares that fuck with your head for weeks. it wasn't
so bad what happened to me. i keep thinking i've blown it
out of proportion. that i've made it all up. i keep
telling myself that i'm stupid to cry. that i'm a horrible
person to take advantage of it in order to get attention.
but the feeling's so real that i can't make it go away.
the first days were the worst. i didn't know why i was
crying. all i knew was that i couldn't stop. for the life
of me i couldn't stop. i denied that it was serious.
dan's call made it real. i found myself doing it all by
the book. i was a statistic. i still am. that high
school punk turned me into a text book case number.
tuesday... my breast showing, i was horrified, ashamed,
scared. i called amanda and cried and yelled and argued
with her. for the first time amanda yelled back. i called
a shrink, but that bitch secretary wanted me to wait for
two weeks. i wanted to be done with it in two weeks. now
it's been a year and i'm just starting the counseling.
i've stopped crying in front of friends. i still haven't
cried in front of lee. the tears are right there. i feel
like i can't hold them back - and then the moment passes
and they're gone. maybe i'll cry about it in his office.
or maybe he'll see me as removed from my emotions. i'm
afraid of homecoming. not that i party anymore. petty
never calls and i don't know any one else who parties.
john got the idea that i didn't wanna party last spring. i
was so fucking out of it. depression. god i hated it. i
knew it would lift. i knew it would go away. it always
has. now i know that i've been sick for a while. it comes
and goes. but i don't know why it comes or how to make it
go. it just fucks with my life for awhile, cause
irreversible damage and then leaves. it's like another
rape. i can't keep it from happening no matter how i
prepare, i can't stop it, and then it haunts me for months
or years or the rest of my life. god i hope this goes
away. tich says i'm afraid of relationships. wouldn't you
be if you were me? christ. jared. gregg. i fucked up
with john, but i also know that we never would had worked
out anyway. i'm also everybody's best friend. guys adore
me. protect me. love me. take care of me. they want to
make sure i date the perfect guy. but it's never them.
i'm always their little sister. i haven't been a
girlfriend for four years. it makes me feel unpretty.
everything about me does. my teeth remind me of a sci-fi
monster. but i'm getting them fixed. if i lost weight and
fixed my teeth i could be pretty. but i'd prolly still
have all best-friends and no boy-friend. i'm too boyish.
but i'm not about to change to suit some guy. i wouldn't
be happy. he wouldn't be happy either when i went nuts one
day because i'd spent my whole life pretending to be
someone else. it's asking for disaster. i'm talking to
leslie about asshole guys. she should know. she's engaged
to the king. she'll never realize it. she thinks he walks
on water. they all do. even when their boyfriends say
that they're shit and whores. amanda's probably going to
get back with travis. she's so smart about everything
else, but when it comes to relationships it's like she just
throws her brain out the window. he's such an ass.
freud is waiting for me. i've got a test next week.
i'm writing in here to keep from writing to dan. he needs
to see that i don't need him. i need to see that i don't
need him. he was shocked when i told him that my friends
call me sunshine and think i'm strong. did i play stupid
to envoke his protective streak and make him like me? god
i hope not. i've told him and everyone else that he was
the one person who didn't need me. maybe, maybe not.