Amadeus

Amadeus
2001-07-22 03:01:28 (UTC)

So it ends...or begins..

Hi..

Well, this is the beginning of my diary. I kept a diary
once before in a book I hid in my room...My mother found it
and demand I goto see a counsellor...that was the end of my
last diary. 5 years later im writing another one...but this
time voluntarily sharing it with others..

Im an 18 year old male living in New Zealand...life here is
kinda dull..I left school at 16, I work in a timber
mill..fun eh?

Well...I'll give you a little background on why im
resorting to starting a diary again..

About 4 years ago, I got online and started going to chat
rooms. I met a chick from Guam who I really liked. At the
time I was pretty depressed about life, I got picked on at
school and I just generally felt like shit. She made me
happy..I began to confide in her..all my secrets that I'd
never told anyone before...It felt good to finally let it
all out to someone and not have them judge me..

After about a month of knowing each other we started going
out..online long distance relationship of course... We were
still going out 3 and a half years later... I was
absolutely certain she was my "soul mate".. I could tell
her anything and everything..and I did...she just...made me
so damn happy..

Then I moved to Australia for about 6 months..I took a bit
of a break from the internet...only went online once or
twice a week to check my emails...no chat at all...it was
kinda hard on her...I can understand why...we used to talk
to each other every nite....whether it be on the phone for
a few hours..or online for countless hours... As things
went..while I was away she met another guy online...kinda
got to liking him...he liked a lot of "goth" stuff..I hade
to use that word to brand him but...at the moment I can
think of no better term...

She began to feel like...he was awakening something in her
that had laid dormant for years...she liked the "dark side"
so to speak..."dark" poetry, etc...So, when I returned to
the net after my break...she told me she couldnt go out
with me any more..she was in love with someone else and
wanted to try a relationship with them...

I was absolutely heart broken...the pain that followed once
she told me...it was like a pain I'd never known
before...from then onwards..for the next few weeks...I was
very bitter..and angry...angry at her and myself...her for
leaving me..and myself for taking that stupid break to try
and beat my net addiction.. All of our conversations that
we had from then on...they always ended up in arguments...I
so badly wanted her back...but so badly wanted to make her
feel pain too....I was an ignorant twit..

Moving along...their relationship didnt last long as he
didnt treat her too good...Now..I want her back more than
ever...I havent even attempted to seek another
relationship ...not in real life...nor online...she tells
me she loves me..but...shes not ready to resume our
relationship...its hard for me..but I realise its hard for
her.

I work a split shift so my hours are pretty fucked up (5am
to 9.30am then 2.30pm to 7pm). I get really tired and
cranky...she tends to be on the receiving end when im not
in my best moods..things that I would have normally ignored
now irritate me more than ever..and at work..all I can
think about is her...whats she doing...why did she leave
me..will we ever get back together...what would happen if i
just stopped talking to her and dissappeared out of her
life...is she just playing me? thinking that im just a
stupid net guy while shes got a boyfriend in real life...

I get really down..and right now...Im really bored...Im in
a relatively happy mood this morning so Im just going to
leave it at this..and continue another time..

Oh..by the way..My name is Chris..short for
Christian...heh..




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