lilliana

lilliana
2001-07-21 20:35:48 (UTC)

Cursed

I oten thought, if I prayed long enough, and hard
enough....He would stop this evil curse named menstration.
I haven't asked for much lord, I just need you to make this
nightmare end. I remember as far back as grade school this
phobia of bleeding. While all my pre-adolescent peers
buzzed around me with aspirations of awaiting their first
periods, I was off in a corner dreading the very notion of
blood escaping any part of my body. I could never
understand how girls took it w/ a grain of salt. While my
poor mama made several attempts to teach me the proper use
of various feminine products, I would squeeze my eyes shut
and proclaim that I would be damned to ever use such
things. It made me look at women with a different
light...how could they be so normal while on their period??
Don't they feel the blood coming out...down there? Such
thoughts traumatized me for days, even weeks. That's when I
took up prayer. Subconsciously I never believed it would do
me any good. Being raised in an house of atheist's, prayer
was looked upon as a waste of breath that served no one
any good. But to me, I felt it would be my last resort, my
last attmept to stop mother nature from taking place. Every
other chance I thought I had, I would make an effort to
kneel down and pray...pray to whomever would listen to my
pleas. I promised that I would be good; listen to my
parents, do my chores and never hurt my brother. I promised
I would never cry for stupid things. I said a whole bunch
of things in hopes of one of the offers appealing to Him,
making him change his mind. I was already fully developed
at a young age and I, for some reason, was okay w/ it.
Foolish me thought it would work. How naive I was. So
stupid. I felt so hurt and let down by Him afterwards. I
vowed to never ask him for a damn thing, no matter how
desperate. I can remember seeing the blood for the first
time. I was in such denial. I just washed and washed myself
repeatedly, but everytime the blood would flow. I had
started. I didn't want to face my mother. I had the feeling
she was the type to throw the MY BABY'S A BLEEDER party on
first notice. I was mortified. I thought I had a disease.
Of course ppl thought something was up when I didn't talk
for the entire day. I just sat in a corner squeezing my
legs together. I am 17 years old and to this day I cannot
stand having my period. I can't even talk about it w/ my
friend,( who find such "joy" in discussing the darn topic)
To be honest, I think it has ruined my life. It ruins my
clothes first off, so I had to switch to tampons which I
wasn't really amped for trying. This morning I woke up in a
pool of blood on my bed. Surprise. I had started. When I
stood up, my whole lower part of my nightgown was crimson.
I looked like a homicide victim. I cannot, cannot, cannot
take this aymore. I want an early menopause. I would pray
for that, but I don't see that happening....