T

almost a year

It' been pretty much about a year since shit hit the fan in
my life. So much has changed but at the same time so
little has changed.

I met N this weekend.
It fucking sucked.

what did i expect though. I wish I couldve spent more time
with him... and played with the girls.

Ive been so depressed since she flipped out sat night.. all
the way to the airport i felt like crying.
on the plane i slept
when i got home i felt so wasted emotionally...
i also felt really alone. which i dont really know why
because he made it very clear that he wants to be with me..
and not her..
he made it clear to her and i heard him say it for the most
part.
he came to me and not her

but why do i still feel unfullfilled. why do i feel not
loved by him..
why do i always ask him if he does love me..when, like he
says, i know he does.

i dont know why, when he makes it so obvious that its me he
wants, that i still feel jealous.. and i still want him
with me and only me all the time.

maybe its just still the reality of seeing her that is
getting to me.

and then i found out that she was almost pregnant again..
which obviously means they still have sex. which i knew
about months ago.. but i guess i fooled myself into
believing that they dont..
its not like he keeps me in check either though.. he knows
im paranoid about them having sex.. i talk about it a lot
and i dream about it.. i remember jut last week when he was
fucking with me saying my dream was real. i told him i was
paranoid. but he still failed to tell me itw as really
happening. he joked about my dream.. pretended it was real
and then took it back..
i dont know.. why didnt he just say that it was still
happening...
i think one of the aspects of that that hurt so much was
that he always says.. tanya you know i dont hide anything
from you..
but i knew i would find out something i didnt want to know
from n.. and that was it. why didnt he just tell me...
instead of hide it from me. its true it couldve been the
other guys but.. still, it was something he failed to let
me know when he always says he doesnt hide shit from me..
but at the same time.. yes that aspect bothers me.. but we
all know what truly bothers me..
i dont want them having sex.
period.
but i cant ask him not to... i cant. i dont have the right
to and he knows that.

i wonder when our relationship will return to a place where
my concerns and wishes are valid enough that if i were to
ask him not to.. he would say.. okay.. i dont even dare ask
now.. but what if we get married and i still dont feel
like i have the right to ask him to do.. or not do things
that are of that much of a serious nature to me.

everytime he asked me what i was thinking ..i was thinking
about that.. i was wishing i could say please please please
dont do it.. ever since all the bullshit i did to him,
things turned and now i know how it feels to be in his
place.. like with a and now with n again.
another aspect that bothered me about the whole sex thing
and our conversation on the ride to the airport was.... he
told me.. that n knows that their relationship is over...
they both agreed to these terms.. for all intensive
purposes they are seperated and she knows that..
but if that is the case.. .why still the sex.

i dont know.. title or no title... it amounts to the same
thing if aspects remain the same to me.
you can say we're not together and still do the same things
with eachother... but it.. ugh
i dont know.
stop it tanya..
stop. stop.

why do i dwell on shit. when i know that he loves me.. and
if i were just fucking down there he would be choosing me.
what is wrong with me that i can never fucking be happy
with whawt i have.

of course what i have just written hell read at some
point.. i dunno. i dont know what my problem is sometime..
i dont know why i am so depressed.. i saw him.. he loves
me. ill see him again very soon.. its very simple and easy
to see him. these flights wont fill up for a long time. he
loves me and not her. and he showed me.

im sorry im such a pain in the ass x.. i try very hard not
to be and ill try even harder. i hate being jealous. i
dont like feeling this way and. i know that im in the
wrong for always flipping out.

i guess i better go before i am late for my classes. god
chill out chickie. dont be such a nutcase all the time.