Meshed Up
Ad 2:
2002-09-09 12:20:55 (UTC)


ugh. feel ugly today as always. also i feel like i've been
robbed of one of the things that constitute me as me.

got into trouble yesterday. sigh. my conscience won't shut
up. i'm so sorry. =( i never meant to hurt you. please
please forgive me. you're so precious. i'm sorry for being
so lousy...

sigh. this isn't my day. i have a headache.


i feel dumb. yes. dumb. very dumb. because i'm a fucking

i don't have what she has. that alone is enough to break my
tender self-esteem. but now she's getting what i have and i
feel like i am left with nothing.

yes i should be more humble. yes god. i should be more
humble. i should stop being so greedy. i am not perfect
after all.

fuck. oh so now she's acting like i'm such a fool simply
because i don't know what this certain equation is. dammit.
i'm a fucking fool but you don't have to rub it to my face.

fuck this. why am i being so touchy about this issue
anyway? and to think i was hoping to be able to talk about
cultural pluralism today..but no...i just had to feel like
shit. i just had to let this damn insecurity consume my

fuck. i am not fucking weird just because i don't remember
my fucking maths. fuck.

you're supposed to be socially intelligent. then why do you
make me feel this way?

candice, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

i don't bloody need this. my headache is getting worse.

i am so pathetic. so damn pathetic. why are you fucking
crying now candice? this is not worth your fucking tears.
this is not even worth your fucking time. you're supposed
to be reading dammit. reading. reading this guy's opinions
on why the australian government does not want to let the
asylum seekers in.

oh and you know why the fuck they don't want to let the
refugees in? because they're a disease! that's what he
said. they're a fucking disease who will destroy the
national will.

all this bullshit multiculturalism thingie is bugging the
hell out of me. why claim to be multicultural if you can't
stand the fact that there is ethnic otherness? why is 'too
many vietnamese living together' a problem? why isn't 'too
many whites' living together a fucking problem? a disease
to the bloody bodily will?

i don't fucking need this. argh. this is why i don't want
her to come. this is why i wanna be on my own. this is why
i don't want her to study here and live with me. because i
can't fucking take this fucking insecurity! because she has
everything and i can't fucking deal with it because i
always want to be the best. the fucking best.

i am such a bloody hypocrite. argh!!

okay. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for swearing so much. i just
feel bloody pissed off. my morning was terrible because i
found out that i did something terrible to someone i care
about. and my day was bad. bad bad bad. because of that.
because i have a bloody headache. and i haven't had enough
sleep. and i have a new fucking pimple!

i'll try to get work done. it's 10.19pm. i wanna sleep but
i still have a million pages more to read.

dreamt of death again last night. fucking annoying. this
time i was in an elevator. don't ask me how i almost died.