The Crazy Life of Troy, the Drama King!
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2002-09-09 05:18:01 (UTC)

My night just went from GIDDY to SHIT in 8.5 seconds...

I'm sitting here listening to the beautiful voice of Sarah
Brightman as she calms my nerves. "You can't turn back the
clock, but you can wind it up!" hehe, thanx Bethany. I knew
I could count on you to cheer me up! If only it were that
easy. I just made a complete FOOL of myself today!
Grr...why does this stuff always have to happen to me?? I
know many people are going to be reading this...and many
people are going to be shocked by what they read...but I
have come to a point in my life where I need to get
everything out in the open! Who wants to hide things in?? I
dunno, maybe one day I'll learn to keep my stupid mouth
SHUT. Maybe that day is today!

There's this guy, (isn't it always a guy or girl?!) and
let's just say...he's caught my fancy. I have always been
attracted to both sexes and only the people that know me
VERY well know this to be true. I don't like labels...so I
don't really consider myself a "bi-sexual." I dunno, I just
try to stay away from that word. I tell people all the time
that "I'm not gay, but I'm not straight either." Or like
tonight, "I'm 70/30" (70 being female, 30 being male)
Basically only CERTAIN guys catch my eye, but I have
only "been" with women. I mean, I just got out of a serious
relationship of 2 years with a girl. I'm still very scarred
from that relationship and memories flood my head at least
once a day. Good ones, bad ones, everything!

Anywayz...I've only really talked to this guy ONCE while I
have worked at...let's call it..."S-Mart." He was kinda my
trainer one day when I was learning the register. He was
really cool and he knew my friend Amy, so anyone who's
friends with Amy is friends with me! We laughed, we talked,
we made fun of people. It was good times! Then...I don't
see him for a while...but when I do see him he acts like I
don't EXIST. But for some reason, I'm attracted to him. I
can't get him out of my head! The first time I saw him I
knew that we were going to click. At first it was just
wanting to be friends with him, but now it has turned into
something more. (Oh God...if he is reading this right now!!

So tonight is when it all goes down! I know people, who
know people, who know this guy...so I put my devious plans
into action. I IM my friend who just happens to be the
sister of the best friend of this guy. I tell her what is
up and she will talk to her brother for me and he will talk
to...let's call him..."JT" Well, I never hear anything from
either one of them...so I walk into work today and there is
JT! I smile and go on my normal way, but I wonder if he
knows...I ponder to myself...

The next thing I know, he is my bagger and I am the
cashier! I am too shy to say a WORD, all the time wondering
if he knows what I think of him. All the time wondering if
this guy knows that I'm attracted to him! I can't say
anything to him and not less than 30 minutes, he is gone.
My friend Samantha joins me as my bagger and she knows I am
obsessed with JT, so she runs and tells him for me...no,
this is NOT where the sh*t hits the fan! Just wait! It gets

Let's play out the scenario, shall we:
S: Hey, I have something to tell you.
J: Yeah
S: I know someone who thinks you're cute!
J: Is it the cashier that you're bagging for?
J: I know...
S: You do?! Well it couldn't be that bad, I mean, he's cute
J: (blushes) I didn't say it was a bad thing...(walks away
with a smile)

This is what she tells me and I go into hysterics!! Could
this guy feel the same for me??!! I could not wait to get
into contact with him, so I get the IM name of his best
friend. I HAVE to get in contact with JT before my time is
up! I have to know if he feels the same way!! I am sooo
happy the rest of the night and everyone at work can tell.
I am talking up a storm and I have a smile PLASTERED to my

I get home and I IM his best friend ASAP! I ask him if he
told him and in a roundabout way, this friend tells me that
both of them know that I'm attracted to JT. But the
HE'S NOT EVEN GAY/BI/CURIOUS AT ALL!! This friend says that
it was "obvious" that I was attracted to him and he is
tired of rumors going around about JT being gay.

Well, let's just say my smile faded and hasn't returned for
a while! Do you have any idea how many thoughts and
feelings are coursing through me right now??!! I don't know
what to say, I don't know what to think, I don't know what
to DO for that matter! I feel so bad...I could have SWORN
he wasn't your "typical" guy. I actually JUDGED someone
before I got to know them! I ASSUMED he wasn't exactly
hetero and we all know what ASS-UMING does! How could I
have had been so blind?? And to top it ALL off, I finally
get the courage to ADMIT that I'm attracted to a guy and it
backfires in my face!!

I've never openly admitted to being attracted to a certain
guy and I certainly haven't told this guy that I was
attracted to him, but here it has happened! I'm such a
fool...I'm such a loser...I can't show my face to him ever
again. I feel like I owe him an apology. He probably HATES
this right now! I just had to find a site where I could
just write down everything that I'm feeling...I don't care
who reads this! This may be my new hobby as we know it!

First it was B...now it's this...why can't I ever find
someone RIGHT for a change?? Why do I fall for the girls
that have boyfriends and why do I fall for the guys who are
100% straight?!

It's my life and I'm doomed to repeat the same mistakes
that I keep making over and over again. I don't wanna sit
here and feel sorry for myself, but what else can I do?
I'll probably end up crying myself to sleep like the little
pussy that I am!

Life will go on, but it's going to take time. Maybe this
online diary will straighten out my thoughts and fears and
I can finally get a grasp of what I want out of life. Does
ANYONE know what they want out of life? Is anyone out