Shantie

Finding my Light
2002-09-09 03:57:10 (UTC)

All Over

Well it's over now. Nick has finally broke my trust.
I really never thought he would do this to me. Mainly
because of all those thigns he said to me and suddenly have
a change of mind. It hurts deeply and I am angry with
myself because I think I should have known better then to
trust him. I no longer trust him anymore and I no longer
believe anything he tells me.
I hate knowing that I still care about him, but inside
me now is nothing to where it use to be. Because of him I
now question every guy around me. I'm tired of being used
because of my willingness to love and care for people.
Inside I hate him with a passion, but I also hope nothing
bad will ever happen to him.
This is my gift and it is my curse. I can't help the
way I am. I was born to love and care for people and with
that comes a lot of pain and abuse. Sad thing is that he
has no clue to how much he has hurt me. I was already
volnerable during the time and now my scars have deepen.
My respect for him is gone and now a part of me that was
dieing is now dead and it will take years for it to come
back.
I know I must carry my burdens alone now for a long
time and I can feel another part of me dieing. I am a
different person now. I am colder to guys and I am
bitchier. My love and inner beauty is surpressed, but I
know someday I will be able to release it again. Though I
will never trust Nick ever again, at least I know going
through this pain has matured me and made me a smarter
person.