life is just a poker game
2001-07-21 14:43:36 (UTC)

Gray Skies, Gray Mood

Well, we didn't go to the beach. Go figure. There's a 40%
chance of rain, and since we're camping...well...I don't
want to be there when it's raining, either. But it pisses
me off because we didn't go LAST week because T was going
to be an ass if he didn't have any weed to take with him.
Addictions suck. And, yes, you can be addicted to weed.
When someone smokes morning, noon, and night, and needs it
to get through the day, and is an asshole the day BEFORE he
runs out until whenever he gets some, that's addiction.

We talked this morning though. Life is so hard for me, I
don't think he understands that. Just getting out of bed in
the morning is a chore. When we have people over, it's
another chore to get myself psyched up enough to be
sociable. He says when other chicks come over I'm weird.
Well, I guess the reason for that is because I have a hard
enough time dealing with my emotions, much less other
chicks who are emotional.

He says that I need to quit being so hard on myself. That
when I starting thinking shit about myself, I should think
about something else - force myself to. Good advice. I hope
I can do it. Depression is a state of mind - hah. It's a
TRAINING of the mind. And to break out of it, the mind
needs to be re-trained. Makes sense. Will be difficult.

I think over the past 4 years I have lost myself somehow. T
said this morning - I am not the girl I was 4 years ago who
would say anything and not give a fuck. He's right. I care
too much what other people think. Back hten I was an isolationist,
and didn't care if I had people to hang out with. I liked hanging out
with myself (so to speak ;) and didn't give a fuck. Now I'm lonely -
when I hang out with people I don't want them to get pissed at me. I
have such controversial ideas running through my head...and sometimes
they just have to get out. I hate it when people are stupid
around me, but instead of calling them out on it, I just
shut up and don't say anything.

Saw a quote yesterday by Elenoar Roosevelt. Something along
the lines of "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds
discuss events; small minds discuss people". I really like
that. A lot.

So, we'll see how today goes. If you have any ideas about
how I can get out of this cycle that don't require
medication, let me know. I've been dependent on shit
before. I don't ever want to be dependent on a drug again
to make my mood better.