adayundertheSon

My life...is a soap opera!
2002-09-08 18:13:45 (UTC)

Church and my stupid life

Church...I love church. I really do. My step-mother (She
doesnt even deserve to be called my mother)was acting like
she was inhaling marijuana...it was scary. She was
like "There is Karen, she isnt in sunday school yet so
people aren't in there." I was like "mom, people are in
there bc everyone gets there early...just Karen isn't in
there." She was like "JUST GO TO SUNDAY SCHOOL YOU LITTLE
BRATFACE!!" I just walked away and went to sunday school, I
know I deserve it... I probably did something horrible to
her and was rude and selfish towards her, I was just born
to her...that is enough to offend her. Yes, she is
the "proud" mother of a real life teenage piece of crap. In
sunday school I scared my best friend,Laura, bc my face was
like :-| the whole time, an occasional laugh too though...I
hate scaring people when I am depressed. The sermon applied
so much to my life right now, my mom kicking me and my
boyfriend and his ex girlfriend. Laura just giggled and
looked at me but I was like :- the whole time. It said
that family should love family. Friends should love friends
and so on. That when a loved one hurts you or a friend, you
should just love others more. I don't understand, I mean I
do. We are supposed to be living witnesses of Christ. But,
I am turning into such a wretched Christian. I can't even
call myself Christian. Bad thoughts just consume my mind. I
just can not tell Laura and Chris. I know they will both be
reading this later and thinking "Oh gosh, she is being
retarded again." And Lissa is already telling me it is
stupid. But tomorrow morning before school I am just going
to down 10-15 pills, go to the nurse and just leave. I
just...need to leave.
I told my dad (AGAIN) that I would like a family
physchiatrist, he just says well we don't need one, we can
talk to eachother. *laughs* yeah right, my step-mother does
all the talking. "You are such a little brat, you have NO
respect for me at all." So, well yeah. He just chooses to
ignore the pain she is causing me. My good friend Caroline
acknowledged it at least. She said "Does she even realize
how she is effecting you and your future?" I realize I
don't trust people bc of her. I mean she says she loves me
and then goes and hurts me, not normally physically just
emmotionally. My dad hurts me by not doing anything. He
ALWAYS says "I will talk to her about it." Well,
**obviously** talking is doing NOTHING! I hate my anger, I
just hate it. Ok, enough about my griping. Lissa knows what I am
feeling. Last night my mom said "North Texas is too close, you need
to go to a college farther away!!" I was like thanks mom. I now
OFFICALLY want to leave this house, forever. Too bad I have 4 years
left though...maybe I can change that though.

To my friends: I am sorry I cause you trouble, I am sorry I
cause you pain, do not worry about me because I have gone
insane. ;-)




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