camicazy

Meshed Up
Ad 2:
2002-09-08 11:43:50 (UTC)

imagery

a guy i met at a 'party' last week wants my number. don't
think it's a good idea to give it to him.

okay. heard something. i feel degraded.

but will not dwell on that. will not dwell on this gnawing
insecurity of mine.

talked to a friend. found out that her sister used to like
a mechanic and that her parents gave her a lot of trouble
for that. apparently they don't want her to end up with a
mechanic.

it bothered me a bit because i dislike people getting
discriminated against because of class. i didn't know what
was wrong with having your daughter ending up with a
mechanic. but it also made me realize that my parents are
not the only parents who think class or social status is a
big deal.

i guess parents just want the best for their children. best
in the sense that the husband will be able to provide for
their kids. but if i ever do become a parent, i will never
do that to my child. but yeah it is understandable. from
now on i guess i will not condemn the people who make a big
deal out of social status. as much as i dislike it...i will
still respect them because everyone has their own sets of
opinions.

---

'you're not materialistic in mind because you don't like
the idea. but in your heart you are.'

someone told me that a few days ago. couldn't help but feel
offended. i wonder if i'm offended because to some extent
it's true. the truth hurts after all.

i have been accused of the thing that i have accused other
people of. it hurts of course.

if only i can change many things about me. wish i wouldn't
let small things bug me...but they do. and they do so much.
i hate comparisons, i hate confrontations, i hate living in
my little fairy tale world. i hate exaggerating my own
importance.

argh. suddenly feel like crying. candice you pussy. stop it.

---

someone said there was a cartoon that reminded him of me.
cartoon goes: girl-one hates girl-two because girl-two is
so smart and all. so girl-one reminds him of me.

ouch. more beatings to my fragile ego. what kind of a
person am i?

anyway, i said that this girl always has to be the best in
everything. she tries so damn hard to be the best.

he said, 'what's wrong with that? if i have a company and
she's good, i'll definitely hire her.'

so what is wrong with wanting to be the best? am i just
irritated because she's so good in everything and i'm not?
am i just a jealous little girl who doesn't like the other
girl because she has more balloons than i do?

i do have this hunger to be the best. but i want to be the
best without even trying.

there i've said it. i've finally admitted it even to
myself.

i'm so pathetic it irritates me. what a day. what a day.

'blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise.'

my eyes are filled with rain water. let me rise.



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