2002-09-08 08:38:55 (UTC)

cant go on living like this

ive finally had it. im nearing my limit. there is no way
i can live like this. utterly impossible. with each day,
it gets harder. and it will keep on getting harder unless
i change somehow. im getting better at repression, but
that will kill me in the end. 1. i could self-mutilate
myself into enlightenment. obviously, i could kill myself
by going overboard, and from whom ive talked to have done
it haven't quit without getting help. 2. religion. this is
a strange one. my subconscious absolutely detests it. so
this might be hard, i get a lot of mixed results from
praying. or, a new technique i just recognized, realize
that my guilt isn't worth shit. ive dug myself into so
many theories that ive overlooked this one. i am indeed
regressing. this is what i tried a very very long time
ago. it failed. but, since its new to me now, it might
work temporarily. but, this also means that ill have to
drop my guard of repression in order to recognize that my
acts were nothing to worry about. i can't do that yet, ive
worked too hard. but i will cut myself tonight. i have
high hopes for this. but, high expectations ALWAY make the
result seem worse. so fuck it, i just need to cut myself,
maybe while my subconscious is at its weakest from pain, i
could go in and repress memories more efficiently. but
thats all schizotypal crap. i hate myself and i want to
die. ive said it before and ill say it again. but, that
doesn't necessarily mean im suicidal. id just like to
die. hopefully heaven is waiting. im still essentially
christian, i have faith, but i just rarely see results. i
dunno. friday, just the 2nd day of school so far, and
already i had an extreme panic attack from something i
really don't want to talk about since im repressing it, and
i came very close to crying about 2 or 3 times that day.
that day i became very determined that i was going to get
help, i realized the shit i was in. but im not going to
get help. i just can't ask. i know its stupid as fuck but
i cant help it. i had a dream (winamp music was on, so it
wasn't a controlled dream) that my dad was asleep, and i
was next to him, and since i knew he could hear anything, i
cried really hard because of the shit i was in, then we
were called to dinner, and my dad said he heard me cry and
he wanted to know about and would talk to me later, like in
a really stern and angry voice, but i know for a fact thats
not what he would do at all. anyway, then eric and i went
to tokyo, or some sorta metropolis, and he could fly, or
had a flying contraption, and we flew around, but i felt
really guilty and stressed b/c my dad knew, but at the same
time, i felt glad that it was finally out and i would get
help. eric came close to hitting the top of buildings
since he dropped down to rise up again a lot, like
hanggliding in pilotwings 64, that game was fun. anyway, i
love sleep. its one of the few things i actually enjoy.
there are so little things that i enjoy, its true. so i
think im going to get addicted to sleeping pills when i
grow up. then probably overdose one day and kill myself.
but hey thats my life. i really do need help, though. im
just waiting for a chance for an oppurtunity to get some
therapy without letting my parents know i need it, like if
they say something like, hey we got coupons for a quack,
you're going, or something like that. but then, im not
sure if ill tell er/im everything, i know ill stutter my
ass off and hurt myself during the thing, and then theres
the thing about meds. im not sure if i want them or not.
if she can fix me up without them, sure be my guest, but i
don't think thats likely at all, ive given myself a
shitload of pyschiatry all my life in my head. my main
concern about meds is that it will kill something in me.
the creative part of me that has all my ideas for whatever,
the part that feels joy with mercury, or my soul even. im
not sure if i wanna be a drone. it still goes against
everything i stand for, im getting repetetive. its a
tough call. but im going back to school to the same class
i fucked myself up in, and im not sure if repression will
same me then, i wont be able to concentrate worth shit
while that prick is lecturing. i got a d in it last year,
so im taking it over, so i cant fuck it up this semester.
i wish i could bring some sort of harming utensil to
school, cause thats where i need it most. just like a
blade, or a lighter, something that i can conceal or that
is legal. i pinched the fuck out of my forearm when that
event happened, i still had the marks later that day, but
it wasn't nearly enough. im afraid that when i study the
notes i took when i had it will give me flashbacks. i hate
myself, and i need to cut myself up. i guess ill retype the
notes and cut myself simotanelously. there appears to be a
new mole on my arm, maybe ill cut that off. thats what i
did to some kinda wart thing on my hand a long time ago, it
was most obsessive compulsive disorder, tho. i have a mole
on my thigh ive been itching to get rid of, tho i know
someone who had it professionaly removed and it kept on
bleeding, so my odds of continuos bleeding would be pretty
high. i suppose writing is also something that makes me
feel better, but not much. either way, there's always some
force that keeps me from enlightenment. whenever i get the
urge to cut, there's never any tools. when i got the tools
and ready to cut, something pulls me away from it and i
dont want to cut myself anymore, but i still feel
depressed. so ive decided to cut myself when i dont feel
like it. i think that this will have ok results. maybe
its too much shit im trying to do at once, selfmutilation,
repression, denial, etc. im talking a lot on this one. i
smell like shit. suicide is unappealing. i think i also
need a good cry. i haven't cried for a while. well, i
think ive written enough for now.