pessimism at it's finest
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2002-09-08 05:10:33 (UTC)


so, this is kind of a disclaimer for anyone who happens to
stumble upon this online diary-thing of mine. in real
life, i'm actually a very happy person. it's just my
personality to be upbeat and optimistic. i think some
people find comfort in my stability. so the way i deal
with problems is that i don't deal with them at all. i
don't talk about them, i don't act out upon them... i just
dont' think about them. but i think this is becoming
unhealthy, so i'm testing out to see if writing about them
will help out. not like i have any real problems. i lead
an incredible life so i don't have any need to complain.
but nothing is stopping me from whining all i want to on
this little web page. muhhahaha

so first things first. i'm lonely... i'm damn lonely. i
haven't had a real boyfriend in over a year. it's so
damned depressing! and so scary at the same time.
statistics show that when people meet in college, they meet
their first 2 years. ok, well this is my second year and
i'm drawing a blank. i'm living in a town full of hot
interesting looking guys. what is my fucking problem!?!?!
i've always told myself that i'm not getting married. i'm
going to be single and live in an apartment with my
parrot. but deep down, i think i do want someone. i want
someone now. my philosophy on the subject is don't worry
about it. if i find someone, i find someone. if i don't, i
don't. but lately things have really been getting me
down. i watched annie hall the other day. what a
depressing movie. love fades? i don't like that theme. i
dont like it one bit. and last night probably depressed me
more than anything. i have this friend, for safety's sake,
lets refer to him as john. so i've known john for a few
years... but more as acquantances than anything else. but
to me he is the perfect person... literally. like if i was
given the chance to design a guy, it would be john (but
maybe with black hair and blue eyes.. but that's beside the
pooint) point is, wow. well i got the chance to hang out
with him last night. visited him at his school and
everything. had a blast! but it was a blast as friends.
and i just know that's all it's ever going to be. why?
because i'm chicken shit, that's why. i never make a move
on guys. maybe that's my problem.i don't know. but right
now i'm sad, and lonely, and the people in the apartment
above me are having a party. let me go find a hole to sit
in for a while