IdleAmbition

innominate
2001-07-21 04:23:47 (UTC)

Of man in my life

To the audience of my false hopes

It comes to my attention that there is one section of my
life that I am sorely dumbfounded in. Now you see I grew up
around guys and I know the male mind very well, so well
that I think I'd make a better guy then girl. I knowingly
avoid relationships with them. relationships that span
beyond just friendship. I think prehaps it has to do with
my father. Now don't get me wrong. I have a distaste for
people who blame their childhood for what's wrong with them
now. but as far as I can tell that's it.

tale #1 Jenny lives happy carefree life. No worried no
problems never notices somethign is amis until one day she
coems home and the truck is in the front yard full of stuff
packed up to go. Little Jenny asks mom where dads going.
Mom says he's going away and little jenny get very mad and
sad and runs off. She manages to work her small body into
the furtherest part of the stuff int eh truck and hides
there under the tarp in the heat crying softly to herslef
as she ignores the calls of scared parrents who are looking
for her. ::end flash back::
(side note one) Dad was the one who was going to tell
littel jenny he was going but he was too gutless to so mom
didnt' know jenny didn't know.
(side note two) Little jenny blamed mom for a long time
(side note three)dad was haeving an afair

Dad leaving like that hurt my fath in men for one thing.
the loss of a father figure hurts. Not just moveing away
but he had been a good dad until i was no longer there
everyday then it was like he lose all interest and I was
sjut somethign that he got to see sometiems and he showed
me a good time but it was never like haveign a dad.


tale#2 An older jenny come in contact with moms first and
only boyfriend. She hates him. Without respecting the
wishes of Jenny mom moves the guy into the house. Jenny is
as evil as she can be to him to make him go away. at one
point mom says to jenny that if she drives him away then
Jenny will be out on her ass as well. Eventualy Jenny
grows to trust and love this man. He is very kind to her
and treats her nicely. For a while there Jenny feels
complete again she has a father figure. Then one day he
askes to "rub her breasts" in a desperate pathetic voice
that will hunt her the rest of her life. Never has she
flet so sick in her life. At that moment every ounce of
respect was gone and a fear of ex and men was driven into
her as she ran and hid in her room.
(side not one) mother knows what jack said they were broken
up before he ever said it but even after knowing this mom
still let him into the house and never said anythign to him
about it.

These events gave me insite into the fact that I would
always have to look out for myself. even my mother wouldn't
defend me. It has also made me hate men for their sex
drive. I hate that I would be looked at as something to
give pleasure in that way. A body not a soul. I think
tht's where I lost most all my sex drive and even when I do
get natural urges I put them down and away becasue I'd be
happy to live all my life never looked at in that way
again. With those horrable eyes and that desperate voice.

Tale #3
Older scared Jenny finds a teacher who is Kind and
compationate. He seems to have all the answers and somehow
manages to get jenny to open up to him. She tell him
things she's never told anyone before. She invests time and
money in things to help him. she defends him and works for
him and puts herself on the edge for him. One day he uses
her for a cheep trip to japan. Upon returning he claims to
hate her and after talking to hhim once, jenny can see that
there is no hope.
(side note one) After seeing how much this hurt jenny non of her
friends stood up for her, or confronted him. They did not want to
make waves or have to deal with him.

I can no fully tell this tale now. This is still a healing
scar that hurts to go into detail. Just tonight I had a
dream that everything was better. but it can never be so
becasue there will always be the feeling of being used.
The lesson learned here is that being open with someone
totaly and completely means nothing to them. It's not
worth it. It's safer to hide behind a mask and it doens't
make any difrence to anyone anyway if it's the real you or
not. Most would rather jsut know a fake jenny that suits
their needs anyway. I learnd that I shouldn't go out of my
way for people and do thigns for them and that sometimes
buddy passes are what people see when they see me.


I'm still sorting out thigns but I feel thsoe are the three
main men in my life that have messed it up for all the
rest. I can't move on from that missing father thing. I
can't get past the fear that hits when somone looks at me
as a body. and I cna't seem to open up to anyone
completely. I'm working hard on all of these but it seems
I'm not worht waiting for to most. Currently I'm looked
upon by two, but one sees me often as "body" and the other
lacks comunication and is hard to read at all. I can't even
tell intentions at all so I panic with both. Prehaps life
would be better if I only worried about myself and no one
else. I've been alone for a long time noe takeing care of
myself. I just want to have a day when I dont' have to
worry abotu myself when I know someone else will take care
of me.

from the stage
yours to pity
~Tiaim