well i went to therapy yesterday, out of the whole group i
was the only one who turned up, which meant i actually had
to speak...FUCK. shirley knows more about my past than i
thought she did, she said she has picked up a lot from the
way i have reacted when other people have said stuff, god
i'm crap! i have to hide things better than this. she also
got me crying, which is a miracle i think. she mentioned
that one of her clients has been sexually abused in a
really tortuous way, bit too close to home that one. i
think she said it, again to see how i would react. well i
gave something else away there...dammit. she also thinks i
should get out of this house as soon as possible. 3 weeks
is such a long time, she thinks i should see if i can get
a room in college for the time running up to Freshers'
week, it'd be £9 a night, not too bad i suppose. i don't
know how i would get my stuff up there, and i am so scared
of the reaction here if i was to say i was going up early.
it just seems like too big a risk to be safe. i don't know
what to do anymore.
we also talked about the whole "i don't know" thing, luci
and richard used to have that joke..."ruth-i-don't-know-
hanson"...well it isn't so bloody funny. like shirley said
to me yesterday, i answer every question with "i don't
know" because it's too bloody painful for me to
know...what i really mean i guess is "i don't WANT to
know"...it is too much for me to cope with, talking makes
it all so real again.
anyway, on that note, this is enough from me for now,
reality is not my favourite place to be at the moment.