My Reality
2002-09-06 20:44:04 (UTC)

He still likes me....hehehe

well theres an update on "J". Thats right, he still likes
me. after a really weird panic yesterday i got to hear
from him. I had read his diary and had seen that he had
put an entry in for yesterday, my immediate reaction was,
great he has a computer, has access to the internet but he
isnt talking to me. well obviously i am just not patient
enough, bc after i got done crying and throwing up, i
calmed down, and BAM there he was, he imed me on yahoo,
and then called me.
it was so perfect, it was just like it was a month ago when
he left me. we joked around and were complete smartasses
and made fun of each other, and ourselves, and it was just
flat out the best time i have had since i have been at
school. he made me feel so much better after a really
crappy day.
he still has this power over me too. i dont know how he
does it. i hear his voice on the phone and BAM, im wet. he
talks to me and BAM i am laughing like i havent in a
month. He cracks a joke and i follow it up with a great
come back, something i cant do with many ppl here. he
joking brings up panty checks, and all of a sudden i am
raring to go for some good phone sex. he still gets me so
turned on i cant explain it.
we talked about some stuff that i needed to hear i guess.
i got some more input on what he thought of our one night
together. and i got to tell him the highlights from my
point of view. it was really great, but i think both of us
kinda felt weird about it. we both remember things so
clearly and we both miss them i think, but we both have a
hard time bringing it up without having to go thru the
whole we shouldnt be doing this bc of the distant
conversation. its such a double edged sword, we both love
those memories and want to create new ones, but its such an
akward situation.
its so funny i never expected him to stay true to the fact
that he would keep in touch with me, but he really is
trying. see, he is great. he is such a good person. there
are so many guys here who want to impress me with their
expensive cars or their flashes clothes, or flashing
money. i could care less about that shit. josh has the
kind of stuff that matters. manners, intelligence, a
personality, a great sense of humor, the idea of respect
for women, and loyalty.he has the stuff that makes me fall
i dont know whats going to have in the future, but now
knowing that he doesnt hold my fuck up with "that guy"
against me and that he is still interested in me, makes
most of what i ave said that was bad about him kinda seem
silly. knowing that he misses me changes things. my
memories of us arent bad, they are just difficult, bc i
want to think of the happy things, but its hard whne you
dont know if there are more to come. but knowing that he
is this cool and this sweet gives me hope. i think that
htis just opens me up to a whole other part of him that i
like even more. he is a great guy and i wish him the best,
be it with me or without me i know he keeps my best
interests in mind, and that makes him amzing. i see now
that this isnt as selfish as i want to think it is. its
easy to say its his fault and make him the scapegoat bc he
is the one who left, but at the same time, he is the one
keeping things the way they should be. its so weird i am
usually the one who does that but when it comes to him i
have no self control, i just want him all the time!!!!