camicazy

Meshed Up
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PropellerAds
2002-09-06 15:48:21 (UTC)

beautiful spirit

been thinking about beautiful people lately. pretty girls
in particular. sigh. okay. here we go again.

one girl, i feel, is trying to rob me of the things that i
have over her. she just has to be the best in everything.
and i suppose i feel that way too sometimes. cuz if i don't
feel that way, then why am i getting so worked up about it?

i suppose it's not enough for her that she's
supposedly 'good' in everything. she just has to outdo
everyone i guess. she just has to outdo me. even the thing
that i have the most passion for, the thing that i probably
excel in.

perhaps i'm jealous of her. argh candice, you're so damn
pathetic.

and there's another girl who is just, well, after this guy
but the guy doesn't like her at all. and she posts up stuff
in her diary like how this guy is after her and that guy is
after her etc etc. it just really pisses me off. now she
supposedly has a stalker.

so am i jealous too? maybe i am. wouldn't be surprised if i
am really.

and i heard a long story today about pretty girls. couldn't
stop thinking just how ugly i am. hmmm. okay this is not a
low self-esteem thing. i'm not inviting you to pity me.
this is just exactly how i see myself.

perhaps i've been brought up in a way that tells me that i
should always be the best in everything. not that i ever
achieve that. but there are some things that i do feel
proud of, and i just hate it when it's taken away from me.
i'm so bloody selfish and pathetic it pisses me off.
but...i do feel that way.

---

i'm sleepy. haven't been getting enough sleep. i've been
ranting today.

i was thinking that i seem to rather be in a pub than talk
about my spiritual life. i haven't been growing in god.
sometimes i wonder if i do want to. it's just...i don't
know. all i know is, i love god. and i would never exchange
my faith for anything. but as for living consistently in
him...well....i don't know. i don't seem to be doing much
of a good job of it.

it doesn't matter. i should go out and try to meet new
people. emphasis on the word try. i'm not exactly the
world's most sociable person.

oh yeah, on a final note: i wish i can just pull the hair
out of this silly little bitch. i hope she gets into an
accdient which will destroy everything that she thought she
had.

she's mean and cold hearted and fucking horny yet she
portrays herself as extremely nice and easy going. oh god.
go fuck a drainpipe.


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