just before i go...i was just in the shower and getting
ready to go out, doing my usual thinking...i had a dream
last night, and i think the significance of it just
occurred to me. maybe it was just because my brain was
pretty mashed up, i don't know, but still.
my "mother" had called at the door late afternoon just
after i had been thinking about her and how much she has
hurt me...in my dream i was thinking about Pam, and the
next thing i knew she was standing on the doorstep and i
was saying how weird it was that i had just been thinking
about her and she had turned up. she threw her arms around
me and held me for ages, just talking to me and caring for
me...just being a mum to me like she has been over the
past year or so.
i want to know what my mind is trying to tell me...
is this what i was craving when my own mother turned up?
is it what i wanted my own mother to do...hug me and tell
me it will be ok?
do i want my own mother to love me?
maybe it does bother me that she doesn't care for me,
maybe i am just telling myself that i don't care that she
doesn't care, because it makes the pain more bearable.