ruthemily

girl, interrupted
2002-09-06 11:00:32 (UTC)

fuck the world

"...why is it that after everything that has happened, the
abusers, the fucking bastards that took our childhood,
live their life, and we wallow in whatevers left. i hate
people, i hate the fact that the human race evolved, but
to think of it, you and i would never have met if it
hadnt. that is something i would rather not think about.
to me it seems that we have been best friends forever, and
thats the way i want it to be. never me, never you, us.
always. ~kb"

fucking hell i am so mad at the whole world. kahlie, you
took the words out of my mouth....they are all living
their lives with no feelings of guilt, shame, remorse,
NOTHING...and here i am, lil old me (well 'fucking huge
me' but thats another story..), i have got nothing left,
nothing to hold onto to get me through. just a screwed up
past, and probably a screwed up future. any happy carefree
memories i did have before the age of about 9 have been
brutally massacred, wiped out and replaced by bad bad bad
bad BAD ones...and why is it that these bad ones can't
just be replaced so easily? where is the justice in this
world?

each and every day that i live i learn of more horror in
this world. my cloth of hope has worn thin, there's not a
lot of point hanging onto a thread. things might change
around me, but my memories will never die, and as long as
i have those i would much rather be dead.

i have gained more weight since coming out of Webb House
than i thought i had...the figure isn't going anywhere
near this page, it would disgust you. i want, need, to be
5 stone lighter. i don't know why, don't even ask me why i
want that, i just do. there would be less of me hate, i
would take up less space, there would less of me for them
to hurt.

just after i had finished writing yesterday, about my
mother leaving...she turned up on the doorstep...i must be
bloody psychic or something....i am confused about it. i
am hurting.

i got a referral letter from dr callender, my psych today,
to take up to durham...just incase any moron actually
wants to help me up there. apparently i have "a long
history of a complex needs eating disorder"...hmmm not
sure what to make of that. i have therapy this afternoon,
they don't help me though, and i hate sitting in the group
with low-weight anorexics, it just reminds me how much i
have failed for gaining that 5 stone.

anyway, i have to go for now, i have to go to the hospital
for therapy :( yet another two hours of sitting in
complete silence then...i don't deserve the time...