Bast

Idiocy
2002-09-06 00:09:02 (UTC)

*curling up* Today began like..

*curling up*
Today began like everday yet it was so different. I
arrived at school before everyone as usual, before Nina and
Kristin were coming out to go to class as well. When I
pulled into the parking lot something happened, to me. All
the way there I had been thinking and it just hit. It was
almost as if I went numb the moment I was on school grounds
and I was determined not to care, not to show emotions. It
was rather strange but something I had felt before.

Now I would like it to be very clear that I was not
angry or upset in anyway at anyone. I just didn't want to
talk, I didn't see a reason to talk and I was lost in
thought. Now having said that...I am still not mad or
upset in anyway. Nina got upset today when I was smoking.
She says I was killing myself. Something about smoking to
stay calm. I smoked a cigarette because I CRAVED it, and
then when I was done the cravings were stronger. I know
what its like to be addicted to the point where you are
smoking over a pack a day... on a good day and more on a
bad. I will stop with that though, heaven forbid I start a
story. Evidently I tell a lot of them.... hadn't realized
it before but I do live in my past..it is safer there...
you see if you live in the past you are with things you
know, you know ahead of time what will hurt and what won't,
in the present you don't know. Therefore I will take the
past. Besides its how I have lived for years, how does one
change?

The strangeness has not left. I wish it would
though. Friends understand you, not because they have to
but because they just do, they want to know why you are the
way you are...I can't seem to find anyone who understands
me or seems to want to. I either scare them with my past
or they just don't want to hear about it.




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