i can't stop writing, i guess that is just because my head
WILL NOT QUIETEN DOWN. I need to do some exercise, i'm
such a lazy fat cow. i have just given in and eaten, such
a goddamn failure, augh. i'm on about my 3rd mug of
boiling water now, i'm freezing cold, need something to
warm me up a bit. i dont understand why though, i've got
enough layers of fat to insulate me, yuk yuk yuk. i have
to lose weight, i HAVE to, i have no alternative. i'm
really unhappy being so big, i hate it. i'm so fed up. i
want to weigh 98 pounds, thats still fucking huge - BMI
17.4 ugh. it'd be a start anyway, i have to start
somewhere. i am the most useless and unlovable person in
this world, i'm such a waste of space, a failure, at least
if i was thin there would be less of me to hate.
right, i'm going to do what kahlie suggested and write
before i think, rather than think before i write...she is
such a babe, i don't know how i ever managed without her,
she is the only thing that is keeping me going at the
moment, she is the only thing that gets me through a day
without giving up completely. i really miss her, she is
more than just text on a screen, she is my soul mate and i
love her to bits.
omg, gareth has just signed into msn, thank god for that.
he has just asked me whether i feel ok about what happened
between us at the weekend, i dont know how to answer that,
i think i do but i don't know, i guess i just don't know
anything anymore. i feel ok in that i dont feel he hurt
me, but i still feel hurt, thats not his fault though,
thats just my 'stuff' rearing its ugly head. i cant deny
that it felt like i was being raped but i know he wasnt
raping me. and i cant ask for more than what he gave me -
he understood and was there for me, he held me when i
froze up, he talked me through the flashbacks, what more
could i have asked for? i'm probably just being a selfish
cow, there wouldnt be much change there.
i feel like i'm trapped in a box, part of me wants to get
out, but the bigger part of me wants nothing to do with
that cruel and heartless world out there, i don't want
anything to do with a world full of people who have tried
to hurt me, tried to kill me at times for fucks sake, i
want to be safe in my own world. but i don't even feel
safe in my own skin so i'm lost i guess.... i give up. the
only thing that makes me feel safe is anorexia, she is
there for me, she helps me, but then sometimes i think i
don't even deserve her, and i eat and eat to spite myself
and push my only friend away. i don't deserve her, i'm not
good enough for her, i have drowned her in fat and
impurity again, what a fucking BITCH, you greedy cow, you
will pay for this ruthie you really will pay. you have to
be thin, you have to be nothing but bones, how will anyone
ever love you when you're so huge, you need to be small,
tiny, fragile, to match your insignificance in this world.
everybody hates you, everybody is out to get you, your
life means nothing. you are just a bitch ruth, so fat and
such a fraud. some maths for you ruth....
food water=life .... and no, you DO NOT deserve life, and
since you're too thick to understand that, i will spell it
out for you...YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO EAT. i will let you
drink for the time being, just water mind, nothing else,
and you will exercise. and in a few weeks when you go to
university i will stop you drinking too, and you will do
more exercise, a lot more. you ask for me to be your
friend, so you do what it takes.
why do you think your mother left you ruth? why? do i have
to spell that one out to you too??