Truth, Love and Lies
2001-07-20 07:40:38 (UTC)

The Surfer's Love

What can I say, but that night with him did something to
me. I don't know what happpened that night. All I know is
now i am going crazy thinking about him. Before that, i
was all cool with us being casual and not really calling
each other regularly and stuff, but i am dying to know what
he thinks about the whole situation. I am wondering if he
felt as good as I did that night. I feel like something
really amazing has begun between us and now he never
calls. I feel used. I feel as though he does not know
what he wants and he is going to let go of me because of
it. I feel as though I am going to get that phone call
saying, this is not working out and then that is it. I
know that is a pessimistic attitude to have and maybe i
should not think that, but that is what ALWAYS happens to
me. I get attached to guys, where I start to feel
comfortable telling them how i feel and all of a sudden,
bam, they don't want me anymore. I am just really afraid
of getting hurt. Those of you who don't know. Playing
with a surfer is like playing with fire. they are a breed
of their own. They value 100% independence and they do not
like feeling tied to anything but their board and the
ocean. that is all. they hate being tied down to
anything. That is why they become surfers and i have lost
them before and i am so afraid to love this one and lose
him. I lost Justin that time and I still think about it.
I screwed up. he was just gone one day, like he rolled in
and out with the tides. he came in, made me love him and
then rolled out into the sea. I have no idea where he
went, why or when he will ever be back. sometimes i think
about calling him just for fun. the line is always
disconnected or something. he would be 20 now. maybe
jason will be the same way and maybe not. I just want to
do stuff with him. go to san diego with him. sit on the
beach at night and talk with him. swim with him in the
ocean. go surfing with it together. go out to
clubs together. do stuff together. we don't really talk
enough to get close right now. I want to be close to him,
but it seems like he is always so distant. he looks at me
like he wants to be close, but then backs away from it
all. he escapes his feelings. like most surfers do. that
is the love of a surfer and i knew what i was getting into
when i did it. I didn't let go soon enough. now i am
falling for him and it is driving me crazy. Maybe i just
want justin back. he was that one true fantasy of mine. i
would have done anything just to feel him hug me again and
hold my hand, while coloring in that coloring book. all i
can say is one day we may meet again, and if by some random
chance we do. I will never let go of him again. that is
all. night ya'll.