kahlie

no words here
2002-09-05 04:09:03 (UTC)

well....

why is it when i look around, and see what i am supposed
to be, i never measure up... im always too fat, too
stupid, too deep, too emotional, too reserved, too
different, to personal, or too desperate to be someone. i
fall down the same holes continually, and try as i may, i
can never pull myself out. looking around, i figure, these
continual fuck ups and deciet against myself are destined,
they were placed out for me. im scared of sleeping, in
case i wake up the same, im so incredibly terrified of
smiling, because of the amazing guilt i have lining every
thing i know. i know megs death was my fault, i know that
the rapes, the abuse, the break ups, every fucking issue
is MY fault, hell who am i to think anyone would believe
the funny fat girl. she is just fucking around, she is so
funny, yeh, well. there is no point in pretending that im
worth any of it!!!
right now i am searching around for inspiration, what do i
see?? paintings done to resemble hurt, poetry, clay,
music, all in the name of evil....augh, no point in
running, i trip on my dominant fear every fucking time. i
see your face, i see your intentions, i feel you, i smell
you, and the despair you left. i taste the incredible fear
and hate you fed me, i choke on it continually, and one
day, im going to spit it back at you.
you are turning toward the door again, and once more i
will sit here and focus on the thought of me, knowing that
there is more to what you are telling me, trust me, im not
fuckin buying it, i know you'll be back, and that is what
i live in fear of. today i sit here, and long for the day
when i dont sit here. when i dont sit anywhere.

kahlie.




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