girl, interrupted
2002-09-05 01:44:55 (UTC)


yeah, so i know i only just 'signed off' a few minutes
ago, but i need to keep writing. i'm not entirely sure
what i need to say, but no doubt it will all come flooding
out. actually, i do know exactly the things i should be
saying, either here or somewhere else, i just cant bring
myself to talk about them. i think i'm about to explode,
i'm full of emotion, full of feelings about stuff that has
been happening over the past couple of months, but i just
CANNOT SAY IT :'( i feel so bad. i dont even know what i'm
writing this for, i probably won't say anything worthwile.
i am wasting your time, i waste everyone's time. i dont
know what to do, i want to cry and cry and cry. i want my
mummy back but thats never going to happen, i wish my dad
would take some notice of me, but as i knew he would he
has chosen that bitch margot over me. he has nothing
decent ot say to me, he slates me for anything i do say or
do, i cant do anything right, everything is a problem,
everything is such a huge issue, living here at the moment
is such a huge reminder of the past, i hate it. i have 3
and a half weeks till i can get out of here, i am going to
go to uni and i am never fucking coming back. no way. i
hate them, i hate them all, i've had enough. i want to cut
myself, i want to carve my body into shreds, destroy
myself, its what i deserve, i'm bad bad bad bad bad. i
need to get some of this badness out, i need to cut or
drain, i need to see the badness and poison flowing out of
me. i feel so confused, i dont know what is going on. i
want to go out for a run but it is 2.27am and knowing my
luck i will get raped again :'( what the hell do i do? why
am i so mad? why why why? what is so wrong with me? i dont
understand any of it anymore. i hurt so bad. i feel so
alone and hurt and empty. im confused i cant think at all
i dont know what is happening to me. do i really have
license to be feeling like this? they say my past is bad
but what if they're just saying that, and what if i am
blowing things out of all proportions in my head? :S i
dont know, i am confused, i hurt, i hurt a lot. i want to
run away and hide somewhere, just be completely alone
where no one can hurt me, i have truely had enough of this
shit. i am so tempted to go upstairs and pack up all my
stuff ready to move up to durham as soon as i can. over 3
weeks though...such a long time :( ...i'm not even sure i
can survive another day of it. i cant bear to spend
another night in that room, in THAT BED i really dont
think i can do it. i dont think i can do anything. i just
want to be thin, i want to be inconspicuous, then maybe
they won't hurt me anymore. i wish i had the words to
explain all this stuff, i am waffling on like nobodys
business but i have nothing decent to actually say. the
rest of it what i SHOULD be saying is all in my head, its
locked away, except it is still very real in my mind, i
feel like i am reliving it every single day. it feels like
i have a video playing over and over and over in my mind,
repeating all of the bad stuff that has happened, i want
to press stop and for it all to be over but i cant do it :
( and even when i DO find a way to stop all the chaos,
something else happens to trigger it all off again. i need
all this hurt and abuse and stuff to stop before i can
even consider talking about it. at this rate i will be 87
and STILL waiting... oh i just dont know anymore. this is
making no sense, i am probably going round in circles. i
need to focus my mind on starving and then maybe all of
this stuff wont hurt me as much. it would be fine as i
said if i could stop and take a breather and start letting
some of the stuff out, but more and more seems to happen
when i try, this is ridiculous, i have more than 8 years
of backlog! argh! almost half of my life has been spent in
misery and abuse and eating disorder hell. i hate it, i
hate THEM, i just want my childhood back. i am going to
shut up now before i say something i regret. i cant cope,
i need to go and channel my energy into something more
destructive, its the only way these bad feelings will pass.