Heather M

Days,of my so called Life
2001-07-20 03:15:53 (UTC)

First Entry-Where to start?!

i wish that guys could just be..oh i don't know...more
caring with my feelings..i am the best girlfriend i guy
could have and then it spirals down to nothing just anger
and depression...i am soo gullible. too gullible.but i am
learning more and more each day. and one day i will be
faced with the same obstacle and i will be strong enough to
work through it.
to me guys are a waste of time until you are 18 or
something even then...
my dad emailed me again. he kinda pisses me off. i mean i
haven't seen him in 14 years and then now i did and he has
the perfect chance to start a life with me and he just
kinda pushes it off and goes on binges..
my step dad was put in jail for getting into a barfight as
usual and my mom bails his sorry ass out which really makes
me angry she knows what happend and she denies the whole
thing. i mean she doens't believe her own daughter the one
the actually cares about her and the person that loves her
and didn't put her in the hospital...but no kevin my step
dad did the opposite of what i did. he put her in the
hospital and he didn't love her and he didn't believe in
her..at all..and i cry to know that she doesn't want to
even acknowlege that what happend did happen and she is the
witness. she was the only one to witness what happend to
me. i was molested by my step dad since july 4th 98' not
every night by every couple of months and i didn't think
he would do it again after he first did it to me.i was 11
in 98' and was totally helpless i didn't know what was
happening to me and how to react. all i knew was to try to
get away... but how... how could i at age 11 escape this
beast... i now know what i should've done. i should've told
the police but i was too scared i kept thinking he would
hurt me even more or kill me..so i lived on with that deep
dark secret...my mom was the one that brought me to the
bedroom the first time. kevin was drunk so i think that he
must have threatend her or something cuz i couldn't think
of any possible way to figure what else would possess her
to do that. when it was done she said she was sorry that
that had to happen...i cried the whole night..in silence
for i feared he would hear me and do that again...the next
morning when i woke up i was so scared i didn't know what
to do...he and my mom were both smiles and they announced
that kevin had stopped drinking and that that would never
happen...but it did and my mom knew...i wanted her to help
me because i didn't know how to...i just wanted to be away
from him and her cuz they both disgusted me. everynight i
would be in fear i didn't know where to hide. i lived with
the secret for about 2 years until i told someone. my
friend amy. i told her because i didn't know who else
i have to go i can't see throughmy teaars