Wednesday, July 18, 2001
I’ve been feeling generally unhappy lately. I
don’t know why. I mean, I’m perfectly content, so
maybe “unhappy” isn’t the right word, but I don’t feel
happy. Not like I used to.
Without getting off on a big rant, I think my
problem is that I have just been thinking too much. As
you’ve seen, the last several entries have been about the
meaning of life, or some variation thereof. I’ve been
trying to find something that no one else has ever found.
And it’s not like people haven’t looked. People much
smarter than me have been trying to find out why we’re here
since there has been a history to speak of.
I’ve said that I just want to be happy, and I’ve
also said that happiness isn’t so much an experience, but a
memory. So does one maintain a happy memory?
I have no clue. I have to find some way to
maintain a happy mood but not maintain is so much that I’m
actually thinking about happiness as a concept. Because,
as we all know, the second you think about it is the same
second that it goes away (like trying to watch yourself
sleep. The second you become aware that you’re falling
asleep, the second you stop falling asleep).
I think the easiest thing would be to not worry
about it and stop thinking so goddam much.
I think I need something constantly new in order to
be a happy. I need something new to dwell on that will
take up my creative energies (pretty Buddhist, huh?). I
was happy then because I was in school and I had a new
Matter of fact, some of the best times in my life I
remember doing new things.
Of course, some of the worse times I remember doing
new things too. So that’s no good.
I think I just have to live by “Infinity in
everything” and I’ll be all set. How could you not be
happy with a motto like that?