jonesenstein

4-3-01

Tuesday, April 03, 2001
I didn’t think it would take this long.
The original intent I had with this journal was to
change myself, for better or for worse, into what my
environment makes me; that is, I wanted to change myself
into what I was intended to be (by God or whatever, not by
my choosing, but by what I have to be). Here I am, eight
months later, and I still don’t feel a whole lot different
than I was when school started. I mean, there are little
things, like I don’t call home as much, I hang out with
(and love) Lindsay a lot more now, I don’t talk to Harris
as much, I don’t find homework as compelling as I used to,
I hate my job more… y’know, little things have changed. I
don’t find myself getting contacts or liking Julia Roberts
movies or wanting to make a lot of money. Nothing that was
fundamental in me has changed, just the little things have.
Of course, maybe there’s a message in that. Maybe
I always was what I was essentially supposed to be. Maybe
I have always been the basic person I was destined to be,
but I got to choose the small things like how often I drank
Coke or which TV shows I watch when there’s nothing else on.
Of course, if that’s true, then we’ve been talking
for nothing.
I can handle that.