Life in this City
2002-09-04 13:49:49 (UTC)

First day...once again.

Well, it's my first day back in this city. It feels
strange, I think I'm in shock. It almost feels like I'm
just here for a weekend, but there's a cloud over my head
that reminds me it's a lot longer than that. I think I'm
subconsciously trying to not think about it, like I'm
trying to protect myself from getting depressed about it

Scott went out last night. That's good and bad. On the
one hand I want him to be happy and do things that keep him
happy, but on the other (I suppose selfish) hand, I want
him to miss me and be sad that I'm not with him. I'm
afraid of him realizing he doesn't need me to be happy. It
also makes me feel guilty because he never went out while I
was there and now it's like he's carried out is sentence
and is free again.

Thinking back, I'm honestly not sure how I handled last
year, and I have no idea how I'm going to handle this
year. Two extra months of school and two fewer months of
Scott. I'm really hoping that one weekend when he visits
me, he'll miraculously fall in love with the city and want
to move here with me. I really don't see any other
solution to this. But him being here and being miserable
is no better than what we're doing now.

And I can't stand how everybody always tries to get me to
go out and "have fun". I only have fun with Scott. I
haven't had fun with anyone else for a very long time.
I've tried to do what they say, but I hate bars, I hate
getting drunk and I don't like being with people I don't
know. I never did things like that before, why do they
expect anything different now?

Anyways, I guess I'll have to take it day-by-day, week-by-
week again. I'm just deathly afraid of the toll this will
take on the most important relationship of my life. I have
this sickening feeling every minute I'm in this godddamned
city telling me I'm making a horrible mistake. I ffel like
I'm choosing me over us. How do I know what to do?

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