its been so long since ive cried.
and i dont even know why i am now.
maybe its just stress from everything happening.
or maybe its just because i cant find anything to make me
i dont know.
i dont know what to do.
im jealous and im pissed at people and everyone is leaving
soon and i dont know who i can trust or talk to and i miss
so fucking many people and im going crazy right now
and WHAT exactly is this accomplishing.
im all poofy and red and sniffing
and yeah NOTHING has changed by this.
people may feel bad if they see me or something and give me
attention like ohh are you okay. its like NO asshole
actually im NOT okay. but talking to you about it isnt
going to fucking fix anything so why should i bother.
and that chick is all fucking there with shannon and you
and i spent the night at ambers last night.
i didnt do anything.
i didnt even kiss her.
and thats like THE last time im going to see her for maybe
six years. you know.
and maybe im pissed because i didnt WANT to do anything.
because i couldnt stop thinking about shannon.
and WHAT is that about.
and fucking like.
i am psycho.
and i want my mommy to be okay and im getting so upset
everytime i fucking go to the hospital
and i want to talk to shannon and i cant
i mean shit what am i doing?
am i going to put myself in a position again where i NEED
someone? you know..again. AGAIN.
no im not.
because when you do that and then you NEED someone.
they are never there.
and i mean. thats worse than nothing at all you know and i
would just rather not need anyone.
i cant rely on people to make me happy.
i have to make me happy.
but i am NOT happy right now.
not that im UN happy with myself.
its not that.
fucking everything else is just screwed the fuck up.
stuff that i dont have fuckgin control over you know.
like people getting sick and dying and fucking leaving for
school and the fuckign service and fuckign just FUCK it all
and traffic was SO bad today and i DIDNT need that it took
me over an HOUR to get home.
and im sad.
im just fucking sad.
and im cold and i need something and i dont know what it is
and even if i had it, i dont think i would know that it was
here because im so conditioned now to NOT having it.
i want a hug.
i just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything
will be alright.
thats all i want.
im sick of arguing with people.
i think im just sick of all of this shit.
all the SHIT that goes with being a person in the world.
i wouldnt mind being a person if it wasnt for all the shit.
i really wouldnt.
being a person could be nice.
because were so smart.
we are all so fucking smart right.
and thats why you know
the VAST majority of us are SO completly and utterly
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