Welcome to MY wOrLd
2002-09-03 20:57:21 (UTC)

Weekend in good old suffield!

So ya. I'm at college now. And everyone says its supposed
to be such an amazing time.. At one moment I believe this.
For i have so much freedom and i have opportunitys to make
things diff. for me. But at the same time i cant help but
miss my home and the people i spent so long forming
relationships with.

This past weekend i went home. I went home to visit a few
of my best friends and people that i miss. I'm not saying
i didnt have fun, because trust me, seeing a few familiar
old faces didnt hurt. But at the same time, I came to the
painful realization, that many of the people i valued and
created images of in my head, werent who i thought they
were and the images i had of them were distorted and and
false. As much as this concept puzzeled me, I realized it
was the truth. Me being a stubborn and stuck up person
finds grasping these concepts very very hard! Well
anyways. I came home and saw someone i totally care about
almost get hurt. And i know its not my fault and i cant
change it, but either way it was so hard to see. Later on
I found out that he totally did get his ass whopped.. Alls
i know is that if this is what i am gonna to come home to,
maybe thats not home for me. Cause in a drunken rage, I
almost drove my car through Dan's garage, just to help
this person, who would never do the same for me. The next
night i proceeded to talk to this person. And I just
realized taht my veiws on people are very wrong, and
although I search for the hidden honesty and beauty in
people, I can't change anyone. I am merely one person. At
one moment it felt so good, to tell this person how i feel
and about all the past instances that i let pass by, but
in the end i would rather be ignorant to the truths of
people rather then to uncover the way things are. For in
my weekness, I honestly dont think i can handle it.

Anyways. I met up later the first night with someone else
that was a huge part of my past. And was astonished with
what lay in front of me. For the first time, I had
regrets, and for the first time, I felt sorry for myself
over this other person. I had that same thought that I
cant change anything. And that you cant always tell what
people are thinking or what they truely do mean. The
people in my past, are people i love, and regaurdless of
the way i stand with them at this point, i cant help but
remain in dept to them, for what they have taught and
helped me with. I cant say that i actually fully regret
anything, because i have learned from it all, but none the
less, the idea flashes in my head, that i could've changed
what happend to me. But actually lol maybe its worth the
tears and pain, to establish myself at a much stronger,
smarter person whom cares for people more than i ever
thought i could. Things do change but things dont
dissapear. And I have faith enough in myself to know i
didnt go through all this for no reason... I am disgusted
in one sense in the people i associated myself with, but
at the same time, I have a outstanding faith and trust
that regaurdless they will change, and overcome their
extreme obsticles within that force them to act as they
do. i am starting to grasp the concept that i OVER ANALYZE
everything! to the point where i cant even understand what
my head is doing! well either way... word.