sarah beara

sarah beara
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2002-09-03 06:23:18 (UTC)

sometimes i just want to scream really really super loud to get it all out

i have all of this crap just built up inside of
myself....just random bullshit crap that i never say out
loud to anyone but i always think....the bin that i usually
just try and discard them in is seriously overflowing and i
don't know what to do...there isn't anywhere for me to
store them anymore...so they just keep getting tossed
around in my head like popcorn kernels in a popcorn
machine....just flying randomly all over the place...

i just want someone to listen to me..someone face to face
to sit there and just listen to me rant randomly about
things that bother me...someone who the things don't really
affect...someone who can give me an unbiased opinion on
everything and just let me go on about it....just let me
release all my frustrations and all the emotions i have
inside that i feel like i can't let out...

i need to...i feel myself cracking sometimes and it
hurts...it hurts to think that everyone that i thought i
had before is too busy now to even be halfway concerned
with what goes on with me....

sometimes i think that it's kind of sad that i have all of
these wonderful people that i talk to through email and
buis but only a small handful in real life...but at the
same time - i'm very happy that i have them...i'm happy
that they are there for me and that they understand a side
of me that not many get to know....i'm happy to have been
able to meet the ones that i have met and i'm extremely
happy to be able to meet the ones i'm planning to meet
soon....but it's just not the same....

all my friends are either busy doing their own
thing....something that i've done before too....something
that i guess i've been doing more than i realize
lately...but now that i don't seem to have anyone, it hurts
a little....is this pay back or something? i never
intentionally put anyone before my friends...i always did
my best to put them and their feelings and needs first.

i used to (and still do, i suppose, i'm just worried about
it) have this awesome friendship with jon...something that
i thought was so amazing...he understood me better than
anyone else ever could....i just loved that...i could
honestly, right now, care less about the romantic
involvement that i had hoped for...i could honestly care
less about the heartbreak i've been feeling in the past few
weeks...i could honestly care less about all of that petty
bullshit...just for one minute of that awesome friendship
feeling back....seriously....it amazed me...i had no idea
that a friendship could be that great....i had no idea that
someone who i knew from so long ago could get to know me so
well, better than my other best friends it seems....could
tell when things bothered me and what it was without me
saying a word...it was great...

as a friend, i love him so much...and it scares me that we
might be drifting apart or whatever...i don't want that...i
need him...not even for the reasons i thought i did
before...i need him as a friend...i can't lose that...as
crazy as that might make me look if he ever really does
read this...lol i don't care...it's true...he knows things
about me that no one knows...that i couldn't even imagine
telling many other people....he knows things that even my
other "best friends" don't know....and that means alot to
me...i trust him with everything i am...and i hope he knows
that....i'm really scared that what happened will make us
drift apart a bit...that it will make things
different...god, i hope not....

in other news:

i need to figure out what the hell i'm doing with my
life...i need to find something that makes me
happy....without worrying about making other people
happy...something for myself...something that will make a
difference in my life...something that will turn things
around for me because i don't like the way they are
headed...i hope i don't get stuck in this same spot forever
just repeating myself over and over...i can't...i want more
for myself...

i'm mad at myself for letting things go as long as i
have...until now i haven't worried much about
anything....now i'm getting such a wake up call to all the
things i've screwed up it's not even funny....and i did it
all to myself...i can make it...i just have to take one
thing at a time and do what i can....and prioritize
prioritize prioritize...

sometimes thinking about it all i just want to run
away...but i know i can't....i wish i could though...it'd
feel so good...just run away and erase everything....but
that's not right...that's not what i really need to do....

i wish i had somewhere to run to...just for a short
time....i wish i could just go somewhere and see new faces
and do new things and be a new me.....not forever...just
for a few days or weeks....it'd feel so great....to not
have a care in the world other than being me...just be able
to relax and have fun and get things with myself
straight....get my mind right so that i can do the things i
need to do...when i was dating ryan back in the day, i
could go to his house and just get away from everything...i
could just ignore things when i needed to ignore
them....that felt so good....but i can't do it anymore....i
don't have that as close as i need it anymore....now if i
want to run for the weekend it's at least a couple hour
drive.....at least that's as far as i NEED to run...and
when i do, i just can't forget it all....i don't know
why...i just can't....when i had that i took it for
granted....what a shame...

i wish i could feel okay again...i wish i could be the
happy old sarah that everyone remembers...but i'm just not
her anymore...at least right now...i don't know if she'll
be back..and that hurts me. it hurts because i miss being
that person. i miss being the sarah that was always
laughing and happy and in a somewhat decent mood regardless
of her situation...something happened to kill that and it
makes me so mad. i want that feeling back. the feeling of
being strong again...it's gradually coming...but just when
i think it's one it's way to being here again - something
happens to prove me wrong....i hate it. but that's
okay....i'm strong and i'll see it in time if i don't see
it now....i just have to remember that.

i hate it when i realize that something had a much larger
impact on me that i thought or cared to realize before.
it's not a good feeling to have people or situations affect
you to the extent that things have affected me, and not
even realize it until months later.....it really sucks. i
know why i don't realize it...i just wish i could change it
so that it wouldn't keep happening over and over again.

i guess, if everyone from my past and high school could see
and hear things that i've come to realize about myself now,
they'd see that i wasn't as strong as they thought i
was...i just didn't know how to get what i wanted to say or
what i was feeling out. i just wasn't in touch with that
side of myself yet....now that i am i don't know what to do
with it all i guess...

meh...bedtime calls...more tomorrow


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