FameRainbow

Me...that's about it.
2002-09-03 05:51:39 (UTC)

9/2/02---Bad person with good friends.

So I decided to tell Charlie about me and Oscar. He was
so upset, but of course so was I. We talked about it for
close to 5 hours last night; I had just finished eating
Rissa's mac and cheese with Danielle and Oscar when I
decided to call Charlie. He had been feeling sick that
day and I didn't want to tell...but I'm so glad I did
because it was too strange waking up Saturday night not
knowing if I was next to Charlie or Oscar...or even where
I was. Long story short, we're fine now. It's going to
take some time (obviously), and Charlie says he wants to
talk with me and Oscar together once before we can all
hang out again. That's reasonable...he says it can't be
anytime soon. Oscar is scared out of his mind (he doesn't
know Charlie!). I'm such an awful person...I never
pictured myself doing something like this. As Dani
says, "Shit happens," and I know it does, but shit happens
with consequence. It's too strange to think that I'm the
same person I was two weeks ago...of course it's too
strange to think that then I was the person I was three
years ago. Why would I go and betray Charlie's trust and
love my first week of college? Maybe it's best I got it
out of me. I love Oscar to death (as a friend), but I
really could never be with him even if I wasn't with
Charlie. I couldn't be with anyone except
Charlie...that's what I learned. Oscar says you can't
regret what you learned from forever. I learned how much
I love charlie still, and how I would be somebody else
without him. And I don't want to be anyone else. I want
to be who I am. It was just the thought of me settling
down at the age of 18 that was so strange. I
thought, "What if there's more for me out there?" That
was crazy. I've seen what else is out there...any good
ones are gay or taken. Why isn't Oscar taken? Why did I
get jealous seeing him and Rissa together tonight? (I
always do dumb shit like that and can never figure out
why. You'd think leaving Atlanta...the STATE of Georgia
would help me get over the dumb shit. Nope.)
{Sigh} I wish this had come and gone. I wish Oscar was
happy. I wish Charlie and I had gotten over my
stupidity. I wish and wish...time really blows.
Love,
Lauren




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