My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-09-02 18:33:22 (UTC)

The impact of the insignificant...

We've all encountered it, none of us know why it affects us
as much as it does, and it is something that will always
take you back to that special memory that will haunt you
throughout your life.
You know what im talking about, its a song, its a smell,
its a touch its a setting that just makes you remember a
special person in your life.
i dont know why, maybe bc i am a girl maybe bc i am
sensitive or maybe bc i am just sentimental, but here
lately i am having a lot of those moments, where i get lost
in the past, get caught up in a sensation that just makes
me cry...i just want that moment back so badly.
"Deep inside of you" is a song that i have loved since the
moment i heard it (by third eye blind by the way)but it
never really had special meaning until "J." he used to
tell me all the time that he wanted to be deep inside of me
and it wasnt just a physical thing, yeah it was a lot of
the time but he also meant that he really wanted to get to
know me, to know so much about me that it was like he was
inside of me. that just touched me, it created a whole new
meaning to the song. it was so funny, the first night we
met, we heard that song on the radio as we were driving
around in his dads truck, so know the flood gates open
everytime i hear that song, and the moment that just sticks
out in my head, was when we were basically making out in
the cab of the truck, we both just kinda stopped looked
into each others eyes, and just interlocked out hands. it
was one of those moments that it feels like the world has
stopped and all that exists are the two of you in that
perfect moment. its such an amazing feeling.
i hate being stuck in the past, but i always thought since
the moment i met him that he would soon be my future. now
i am starting to think that he is never going to be more
for me than a memory. i used to have hope, but now i look
back on what we had and just cry, its not a good feeling
any more. what used to make me happy to look back on and
remember, is now like a sharp knife to the chest, it stops
me dead in my tracks and releases a flood of tears. he
used to be my joy he used to be the true source of my
happiness and now he is the source of most of my pain. i
gave in when he left and thought him leaving was the best
answer, but now that he is gone and the thought of never
having him again sinks in a little more, i realize what i
have lost. i lost my motivation, i lost my happiness, i
lost my comfort zone, and i lost a great friend, there are
so many things that i just want to tell him, there are so
many days taht i come in and just want to call him up and
say you will never believe this but....but then i realize
that i cant and i just think of the days when i could and
its like that painful memory again. there are reminders
all over the place that just take me back, his favorite
group, that band he saw in conert comes on the radio and
you are taken aback, you realize that you say those silly
little saying that he used to say that you used to hate,
but soon became part of your vocabulary as you spent more
time with him, ie, yeah yeah yeah and the theme somg to
Shaft.its silly little things that make me cry its silly
little things that make me miss him and its silly little
things that make me see, there was so much to miss, i never
imagined he had touched me this deeply.