Last night I joined my sister on a trip to New Orleans with
some of her friends. When we left town, I was unaware that
this weekend is Southern Decadence. How awkward was that
when I found out while we were in the car on the way
there? Anyway, I really enjoyed myself. I didn't know
anything about what to expect...but it was almost just like
Mardi Gras, except gayer. And there were slightly fewer
The catch was that I, being still closeted and all,
pretended to be straight. I can't tell you how bad I want
to just get in my car and go back tonight. The only thing
keeping me from doing that is that I know how dangerous the
city can be alone. There are just too many things that
could go very wrong. But I want to go!
I had a really good time at one of my favorite places just
listening to the piano music...and that's where I really
got hit on. It's not even a totally gay establishment, but
this weekend almost every bar down on Bourbon is. They all
had their rainbow flags flying. I couldn't get over how
big a thing Decadence was.
I'm at conflict with myself of course, because I shouldn't
have ignored all the hits I got...I should have flirted. I
should NOT have told that one guy who asked that I was
straight. But I was with the wrong group of people to just
come out. And I wasn't prepared for it. It just
happened. One minute we were at home, the next we were
discussing going out, and then an hour later we were at the
biggest gay event in New Orleans all year.
I have vowed to myself, however, that next year I'll be
there, and in full capacity. And I don't think that's such
an unattainable goal. All it means is that I have to
establish a group of friends that I can trust with the info
that I'm gay. That brings me back to the whole idea that
once one person knows, everyone will know...but the way
things have been going this summer, I doubt I'll be able to
deny my true identity for long. I just can't stand it.
It's getting to a point where I just can't do this
It's only 9pm. I could still go. But I know I shouldn't.