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2001-07-19 03:11:10 (UTC)

19/07/01 - 12:53PM

Well my kitty came home yesterday morning :) Yay!! Very
cold and sorry for himself.. he slept for SOOOOO long... :)
Kinda like me this morning... I stayed in bed for the first
3 hours of work... I just felt so shit...

I am a mess I think. I don't know, maybe I am okay??? Who
the fuck knows...

For some reason the bitch at work is ignoring me again or
else being rude... I have no fucking idea why... she was
fine when I finished work on Friday Tuesday morning...
utter mega bitch. Fuck the dumb ass slut, she is fucking
stupid and has no comprehension of what a bitch she really
is.

I am so depressed Dawson's Creek is finished for the year
LOL... nah I just have to find something else to watch on a
Thursday night. Or I could get a life... but that is too
complex an idea... Everytime I get a life I screw it up...
so I think I should just let life drift on it's own for a
while... my effort to grab hold of it and bend it to my
will tend to tie it in knots.

I had a fucked up dream last night, my boyfriend raped me
and I was hiding from him, and I found my brother and I was
trying to tell him what happened to me and he thought it
was funny, so I burned the house down with them in it and
all I could see was my brother laughing and sticking his
finger up at me from within the flames. I was so scared, I
woke up with my heart beating so fast it scared me.

Blah blah blah...

Why do I keep writing? I think I will go find all my old
diaries from my fucked up teenage years and start typing
them onto the net, then I can rest assured that I will be
able to relive those godawful years forever... :) I
dunno.... dsaheahrfd dfv;lksdjfvla cs;az

I just don't want to be at work today, I just want to be
somewhere where I can forget about my life and relax, smile
and be happy. I want to hug Ash... fuck. I HAVE to get OVER
this. I don't think I should go to this concert with my
brother and him this weekend... I am only going to see him,
I don't even really like the music, but goddammit I just
want to see him

SO

FUCKING

BAD

and I know I shouldn't... I should feel guilty about it, I
should feel so fucking badly... well I guess I do in a way.
I don't want to hurt my boyfriend any more... he doesn't
deserve it, but he won't let me leave. He couldn't care
less if I love someone else, so long as I am with him. I
don't know what to do......................

Someone tell me what to do please.... I am drowning in my
own stupid mess and I cannot get that last gasp of air that
will let me swim back to the top of the ocean....

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
Since I could say I love myself as well
Since I've gone and fucked things
up just like I always do
But all that shit seems to
disappear when I'm with you

It's Been Awhile - Staind


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