Raven

Raven's Requiem
2002-09-01 22:43:00 (UTC)

Detatched and broken...

Well, I guess I should have put off writing in my jounal
last night (technically, this morning) for a little
longer...A lot of shit happened after my entry, and it is
kind of freaking me out, because I feel like my world and
everything in it is suddenly being questioned...Everything
that matters to me is at risk, and if I'm not careful, I
will lose it all.

I called my house to speak to my mom last night, to let
her know that I wouldn't be home. The last person I
expected to answer my phone was Caleb. Apparently, he got
out of jail early, and he thought that he could just come
back in to my life and everything would be just like it
used to be. The only problem with his little plan is that
I'm with Dan, now, and I care about him~I don't want things
to change, because I am happy. I don't want to be with
Caleb~he's trouble with a capital 'T'. I'm not saying that
I am in love with Dan, or anything like that, because
honestly, how could I be in love with someone I hardly
know? The answer to that question is obvious: I can't. But
that dosen't mean that that will never happen. I'm not
saying that it will, and I'm not saying that it won't. What
I am saying is merely that I want to see where this will
go, and I'm not about to give Dan up for history to just
repeat itself, yet again. Caleb was arrested twice while
him and I were together, and he never seemed to think about
how his actions would affect anyone but himself. There is
no sense in letting that happen again. If it id, I would
end up hurting in the end...just like I always did.

To top things off, Dan confessed tome last night that he
was scared by how quickly he was getting feelings for me
and by how strong they were. He said that he wanted to slow
things down, emotionally. When I asked him how I could
help do that, he said that there was nothing that I could do; that
it was him who was moving things too fast as far as getting
serious goes. Then he said that there was really nothing that
he could do about it, either, because no one can control
how they feel about someone. He definitely had a point
there. After all, I have already grown quite emotionally
attatched to him in the short period of time that we have
been seeing each other. But I'm not scared of it. I
understand that he wants to cool things down, and I respect
that, hard as it may be.

What he said after that caught me completely off guard. He
told me that it hit him after reading a post that I'd made
on a message board, referring to his band. Someone had said
that they guys in Ludicrous Speed were single, and I was
just setting them straight. Not rudely, or aything~All that
I said was that Dan, Kasey, and James were spoken for. I
guess that I shouldn't have said anything, but in a way, I'm
glad that I did, because what he had to say, I needed to
know. Apparently, he was seeing three girls before him and
I got together, and one of them was the one whose post I'd
responded to. He said that he would tell them that he was
no longer single, and that he would break things off with
them, because he wanted to be with me. I don't really know
if I have the right to be angry at him, because this all
happened before Dan and I got together, but at the same
time, he should have told me from the get go. I don't hold
it against him, because I don't think that it's cool to
hold people's pasts against them, and he really didn't do
anything wrong, other than not telling me about them and
not ending things with them before we hooked up.
Apparently, he wasn't cheating on any of them, becuase he
wasn't really going out with any of them...they all
understood that they were not in relationships with him and
that he was seeing other girls, as well. Not that that
makes it any easier on me, though. I'm willing to give him
a 'second chance', because I think that he is worth being
patient with, and I really want to give 'Dan and I' a
chance, but this is too much stress for me, and I don't know if I can
hold up under this kind of pressure if it dosen't stop soon. My
depression is coming back stronger than it has been in quite a long
time, and I only have one person that I can talk to who really
understnds me...Jon. He was there for me, even when I was sitting
here, bawling on the phone, and he didn't know what was going on. I
appreciate that more then he knows~I need more friends like him.

I sometimes wonder why the hell I am even here. Is there
really any purpose for me to keep going on in this world?
Some days, the answer seems clear: It's not that bad;
things will get better, they always do; it will only make
me stronger. Other days, I wake up and immediately squeeze
my eyes back shut, as if by somehow blocking out the world
visually, I can seperate myself from it and
just...dissapear. As corny as that may sound, that is how I
often feel. There are times when I've just taken off-not
told anyoe where I was going-and walked around town, just
because I was feeling detatched yet confined, and I had to
break away. When you start feeling claustrophobc, just
because you are surrounded by familiar faces, you begin to
question your sanity. I do that often. It's just
frustrating when the questions that I whisper into the wind
are swept away, only to be returned unanswered.




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