my so called life
2002-09-01 20:33:55 (UTC)

I let him read..

I let Ben read some of this diary..
He's known for a while that I keep a diary, and he's been
dying to read it. I haven't wanted him to, but I changed my
mind last night. He went out (drinking) whit some of his
friends back home, and he said he'd call me later. I had a
pretty bad day yesterday, I was feeling lonely and
homesick. It was hard knowing that Ben wasn't in the
military, he was back home and I could have been with him,
but I wasn't. I don't really know why I didn't go home.. I
was going to this party-thing with my class, but that
wasn't the reason.. Ben is much more importan than some
stupid party (which actually was pretty bad). But ok.. He
left me Wednesday, and it broke my heart.. I was a wreck
for two days, and I'm still pretty sad. If I had gone home
Friday evening, I would have had to leave him again Sunday,
and it would be just as terrible as the last time. I
couldn't handle that.. So I didn't go home. But Saturday I
really regretted not going home, cause I missed him so much
and he was saying stuff like you could have been here with
me and I miss you.
Well anyways, it was too late, so I just had to stay here.
I felt kind of lonely.. I hung out with Frida for a while,
but she's annoying.. I'm sorry, but she is. She's an only
child and all she talks and cares about is her self. She's
really getting on my nerves when my mood isn't so good. So
I stayed in my room watching the Devil's Advocate. I hadn't
seen it, and I thought it was pretty scary.
Ben was supposed to call while he was out, so I expected
him to call around 12pm or maybe 1 am or something. At 1 am
he still hadn't called and I fell asleep. I was woken up at
2:15 by my phone, but it wasn't Ben, it was Annie. I had
also received a message from Ben. The batteries on his
phone were flat, that's why he hadn't called me. It was
sent at 2 am. He said he was afraid of waking me up by
calling, so he just wrote a message, but I could call him
if I was awake. So I called him, hoping he hadn't fallen
asleep yet. He hadn't, and we talked for an hour and a
half. That probably costs a fortune, my dad's gonna kill
me :(
But it was so nice talking to him! He's not normally home
at 2 am when he goes out, so I asked him why he was home so
early. He said he didn't have much fun out, he just wanted
to go home and call me. Oh sweetie :)
I guess he was a little drunk, he was going on and on about
how much he missed me. He was looking at pictures from our
trip to Crete, and I think he was almost crying. I wanted
so badly to lay next to him in his bed and hold him close.

Well, we talked about everything, and we started walking
down memory line.. I remember all kinds of little details
because of this diary, and he asked if he could read it. I
was feeling so close to him, so I told him that he could.
So today I e.mailed him some of the entries. I picked some
of the sweet entries about him, I didn't let him read about
Leo or Tom or anything. And certainly not Troy.. I'm
TOTALLY over the Troy thing, it was just because I was
lonely and missed Ben, but I know it would have hurt his
Well, he called me after reading, and he was totally moved.
He said it's the nicest thing he's ever read and that he
will be happy for the rest of the year because of it. I was
kind of embarrassed, because, you know, he read my inner
thoughts. But I guess I did the right thing, cause it made
him so happy.. and there's nothing that makes me feel
better than to make my baby happy.
I think he's at the movies now, and I'm waiting for him to
get home and call me. We need to talk with each other all
the time, it's gonna ruin us. But it's totally worth it. I
love him so much.

I got a message from someone with a diary called Coffee
With C.C. and I would like to say thank you to her. You
helped me realize that I love Ben so much that it just HAS
to work out. And knowing that you made it work out is a
comfort. Thank you.