chaoticxpression

my simple small world
2002-09-01 19:14:24 (UTC)

e-mail to my "best" friend....that should be sent to the world

Ok....first and formost.....I can not remember last
nite...no joke..well actually I remember like 5 things, but
i'm not even to sure they really happend.....
but you were really mad....and I can't recall what I
did...I am not going to apoligize, because for all I know,
I didn't do anything.But chances are that isn't the case.It
never is is it?
I'm not freting over it though......fine, I'm a HORRIBLE
(you have no idea) person, and the only reason you know
that is because you are the one closest to me.With you I am
taught a lesson....somethings are better left unsaid...I
don't think I'll ever be as close to anyone as I am with
you for the rest of my life....There are several reasons
for that.....
Let's face it now...I am not a good person....not at
all......I do bad things as if they're nothing, causing at
times, pain and sufferage, and I myself hate seeing people
in pain...and I hate causing it.So there is alot of inner
turmoil going on inside my head.Yeah, I should untie the
knots, unweave the webs...set myself free and start fresh
with the world.(though even if I did that you'd remind me
of what's going on in this time period at least 5 times a
week I reckon)Kicking myself in the teeth when I'm down is
my job, not yours...I'm not saying you don't have a reason
too...but still....So yeah, I avoid conversations with you
about certain things because, believe it or not (I don't
show it) I am remorseful....and I do feel guilty, and I can
feel the karma slap me in the face every day.I'm not saying
you should tell me it's alright..I could never ask that of
you...and I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me....alls
I'm asking is that you just stay my friend, and leave it
alone because torturing myself is my job, and when someone
else helps me I get very very depressed, irritable, and
angery....
I wish I would of kept things to myself...and no one knew
them.Since having a friend that knows you and knows things
about you means they have the power to fucking SLAP (pow)
in the face...I can't confide in anyone....I can't even
confide in myself...I did confide in you, but it's your
burden to set things right, and I'm not stepping in the way
of that...actually I will step so far away from it that'll
you won't even have to deal with me, my medieocur drama,
and my pungent essence of life. But not because I'm wrong
and not because your right (which is both very true), but
since I confided in you and lost it.I mean it's happend
before....but I'm not going down memory lane, I do not
vomit up the wilted flowers of the past and put them in a
vase on my dressor for all to see.I'm not like that.
I'm tired of the fights, I'm tired of the anger, I'm tired
of the drama, and I'm tired of this burden.So it's decision
time for you my friend...are you going to stay my friend,
or are you going to leave? Because I'm seriously sick of
this mess...and you should have never been in it...I am NOT
fighting anymore...I am NOT taking your anger or showing
you mine anymore....I am NOT dealing with the drama right
now...
So, as I said, decision time...you say nothing, I can see
the decision as clearly as if you throw my on the
ground...held me down, and screamed it in my face.
"what is a man? a miserable little pile of
secrets"...that's from castlevania, but it fits in our
world...
that's all I have to say..

*Alli*


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