Lost1

Diary, duh
2002-09-01 16:39:31 (UTC)

9.01.02

Have you ever been in so much pain you couldn't feel? I
know that sounds strange, but it's a huge lump in your
throat but you can't cry. YOu can't do anything. Just sit
there stiff, sick to your stomach, almost paralyzed.
The truth came out this morning. He said that I need help
before I can be with anyone. He also said he should have
ran away a long time ago. He also told me that his friend
also thought I was "troubled". He also said "fuck you" but
that came after my "fuck you" not believing he could be
saying this.
Now he's apologizing for saying I need help. He doesn't
get it at all. I know I need help. I have complex ptsd. He
said my being different everyday wasn't listed in any of
the symptoms. Everyone is "different" everyday. We don't
all say the same things everyday, or feel the same way
every single day, we are all different everyday. He said
that I pick up where conversations left off from two days
ago.....yeah about our relationship because I'm asking
what we're doing, where we're going, etc. His example was
two days ago when he said we shouldn't get married and I
brought it up this morning again. Ok now wtf is he talking
about, yeah I want to know where we're going, what we're
doing, we're not getting married so what are we doing? My
son is here and it makes me think about what is good for
him. That's his example of crazy?
I haven't slept. I figured I need to stay up all day. My
son, my responsibility. He shouldn't be taking care of my
son because I can't seem to fucking sleep no matter how
much valium I take. I got three hours, 11pm-3am so maybe I
can be ok.
The meeting his father part to drop him off will be
difficult, but I'll survive.
I'm lacking concentration because I'm so tired. jUst
needed to vent.




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