Christine

Visions Of Life
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2002-09-01 06:35:56 (UTC)

Frusterated....

What has my life become? Sitting in my car at midnight with
a razor? Of cource this will cause trouble then its worth
tho the temptation will get me in the end because i am
weak. I am at the end ofmy rope and no one gives a fuck
because they are so self absorbed with their own shit. I
sit up late at night listening and comforting and all of
that shit because i actually care, but when i need someone
to talk to, its never the right time because they have
their own shit to think about. When is the righttime then?
Every fuckin day i listen to people. Doesnt anyone have 10
fuckin minutes to just listen or is the world that selfish?
So I just swallow all of my stress and put on a happy face
because i dont want to tip the scales because if im
anything other then perfect, i get yelled at. I cant be
perfect any longer. I cant be happy all the fuckin time
when inside Im screaming. I am way too stressed to deal
with anything else but of course i still do because im nice
and everyday my own turmoil grows. The one person i need to
talk to wont listen so i just have to keep everything in
until HE is ready to talk. I cant even sleep at night
because my mind wont stop turning and everything i think
upsets me and angers me. I take 3-5 sleeping pills a night
and it doesnt help. I still toss and turn and dont sleep.
Im exhausted physically and mentally. I dont want to talk
or see anyone because i cant handle it. I already have one
person to deal with. I dont need everyone else whining to
me about petty bullshit. I am not in the realm of reality
at the moment. I havnt been for days. I float about, not
knowing how i get places. I work and sleep. I sleep too
much but i dont really sleep. I lay there or sleep for an
hour then get up. I need to vent but i cant because i have
to be perfect and my problems dont matter to anyone but
myself anyway. What i think and feel doesnt matter. I am
nobody. Just a husk for people to bitch at so they feel
better. Im not allowed to be upset or stressed or furious.
Fuck that. Fuck the world. Im done with reality for awhile.
Maybe Ill attempt to come back in a week or two...


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