No Matter How Hard I Try...
2002-08-31 19:24:05 (UTC)

Is it enough?

"Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life"
That's just about how I feel right now. I can't live right,
breathe right, or even care about people.
As for "is it enough to love?" part...I know I have said
many times people don't totally change and that a little
part of what was wrong will always be there. But, they can
hide that in a little box. For example, many of you know my
track record. And yes, it sucks, and yes, if I could change
it I would. Yes, I am trying to change and I pretty much
have over the past year and a half. Yes, the little "I just
wanna have fun" voice will always be there, but it went
from loud, to muffled to gaged. I'm not listening to it. I
don't care about that part of me. Please, just support me
and let me know you're behind me. I don't like hurting
people, I won't do it to anyone purposly. I'm done jumping
around like a rabit. It isn't fun, please, I want you to
understand that I'm not after peoples hearts and breaking
them anymore. I'm not. I truly care about him and I don't
wanna hurt him, I just want you all to understand that.
On to the "Is it enough to breathe?" It seems even
breathing causes me to get in peoples way, like my mom. I
swear! Breahting pisses her off! She doesn't want me to
have any fun and thinks teenagers are reserved and perfect.
lol. Fuck no they aren't! My sister and I are so much
better than most teens, I wish she would see that and get
off our fucking backs about everything. If everyone would
get off my back and support me and understand I mess up
things would be perfect. Yet, if it was perfect I might go
"Somebody rip my heart out, and leave me here to bleed"
People enjoy doing that to me. I swear they do. You all
love to pick at me and pull me to shreds for every little
thing I do and just leave me there, broken, to find and fix
myself. Will you help me heal and reconstruct myself next
"Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life" If it were
enough to just die, I would have. At one point I thought it
was and I was contemplating suicide..that was a long LONG
time ago, but still. If it were enough to die, I would. But
it isn't and I have so much going for me...I wish someone
would see that.
"To walk within the lines, would make my life so boring" My
life is pretty boring. But, I am going to stretch the
limits sometimes and everyone needs to understand that.
Everyone pushes the limits. EVERYONE does. I don't care who
you are, you know you do it.
In short, I know a lot of you out there support me, but I'm
not perfect. Please, just try to support what I do and give
me some credit, I'm not that horrible. I'm not. I am evil
and play the innocent card and it works. But I'm pretty
innocent too.
Whole new story now. Last night and yesterday was pretty
fun. Who could have thought one thing would make me so
happy? Just 15 mintues is enough to make me happy, don't
try to take that away. I'm starting to be happy, please,
please, don't try to tell me I'm horrible and that I'm a
bitch. I am happy, please let me be that way.