Unholy and Dirty and Beautiful Me
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2002-08-31 07:20:57 (UTC)

My Story - Part One.

I was born in late November, 1980. My mother and father
were married, though I doubt it was all that happy in my
home even then. They'd already split once - my mom really
wanted kids, he did not - but had reconciled after my
father decided to have a baby with her. Pathetic. I
understand that they divorced when I was about a year and a
half old.

So, I was an only child with a single mom. My dad was
around, though he's always been more like a distant uncle
to me than a father. Whatever. I was a pretty happy kid. I
remember having lots of friends and my mom truly is a
wonderful lady. We lived in the city where I was born until
I was about eight years old. My mom had met a "wonderful"
new man who I'll call Nod. (who happened to have three
kids) and within months we were moving in together to a
house in the country.

My mom has told me that on the first night we were all
living together she got the impression that Nod wasn't
exactly as wonderful as he'd let on. I'm not sure really
when things turned really bad, but Nod was quite the
opposite of wonderful. He was terribly abusive, verbally &
mentally for the most part, but physically too. The verbal
& mental were what he used on me; Nod saved the physical
for my mom and his son. He spared his daughters. (The
youngest was in fact not his daughter but rather his ex-
wife's baby with another man. Long story, maybe I'll go
there some other day. We lost custody of her when she was 3
and I haven't seen her since. She's now 15.)

I've blocked most of it out now. I was just a kid. By
then, a very lonely and confused kid. I had a lot of
trouble fitting in with all of the country kids and I had
few friends. It did not help that my new big brother and
sister tormented me, but that is of course normal stuff as
far as I'm concerned. What really troubled me was this
new "father figure" in my life. I swear Nod hated me. He
was extremely jealous of the immmensely strong bond between
my mother and I. He had no trouble calling an innocent
child "The Little Bitch" or "The Fucking Princess" and "The
Stupid Little Brat". Threatening my eight year old life for
all to hear. He would go into my room when I was at school
and throw my toys in the garbage. I vividly remember laying
awake in my bed for hours at night listening to him scream
at my mom (and "god" knows what else) for treating me
better than the others. On one occasion, it must have been
really bad because I remember my mom running into my big
sister's room and hiding in her bed just so that Nod would
leave her alone. I was, of course, terrified for my life,
alone in my bed when he came into my room and tried to calm
ME down. I don't remember the rest.

I do remember talking to my mom from time to time about
leaving, but we were both to afraid to leave. I really
don't think, though, that my mom wanted to leave his kids
(especially his son) with Nod. We should have left then,
because what happened happened and it probably would have
regardless of when we left. If this makes no sense, read
on. I'll tell you what happened.

It went on like this for a couple of years. We lost our
house in the country and moved into a town house. I was
eleven and had to change schools. The weekend before I
started the 7th grade my mom married Nod, why I'm not so
sure, but I was growing more afraid of him each day. He
threw my Mommy down the stairs one night and she ended up
at the hospital. Fuck, I've blocked so much out. I barely
remember the time we lived at the new place. I do remember
the party after the wedding. I remember tasting Amaretto
for the first time, doing my first-ever shots with Nod & my
brother and sister in the laundry room. Once I started
school I made friends, things were looking up. Nod started
working away for weeks at a time, and the remaining four of
us were at peace while he worked away.

It was near Halloween when my brother told my sister & I
that my mom was planning for us all to leave Nod. My
costume was a cheerleader that year. I have foggy, mixed-up
memories along the lines of trick or treating with friends
and moving into a shelter for battered women & children. My
brother was too old to be there, so he moved with his
girlfriend's family. Nod came home from one of his work
trips and found the town house empty. He scrawled a few
notes on the back of an old calender, borrowed a friend's
gun and took his life in his little TR7 behind the bank

**I will continue this next time. I've purged enough for

~love ridden

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